WICKED Remixed!
by BubblyPhantom
Summary: Angerfied? Moodified? Sleep deprived? Then read this random retelling of the musical we all love and adore. NOT written in script form. Fiyeraba and Gloq. Scenes not shown in the musical. Sushi. It's all inside!
1. Someone Mourns The Wicked?

**Hey, this is my first Wicked fic! Hope you like it, it's a parody-ish story of the musical we all love and adore….with a few deleted scenes and surprises here and there……and randomness. Lots and lots of randomness…!!**

**Please Read and Review! I don't mind constructive criticism. No really, I don't.**

**Title**: WICKED Remixed!

**Chapter One**: Someone Mourns The Wicked?

**Disclaimer**: Don't own it, or any of the songs from it.

* * *

In the merry ol' land of Oz, the Citizens, aka the Ozians, were rejoicing. For what? We're about to find out. 

_**Good news! She's dead!  
The Witch of the West is dead!**_

Gee, that was quick.

_**The wickedest witch there ever was  
The enemy of all of us here in Oz  
Is Dead!  
Good news!  
Good news!**_

Suddenly, a random Ozian pointed to the sky. "Look, it's Glindaaaaaaaa!"

The rest of the Ozians squealed in delight as their bubbly leader (who really was a bubble) floated gracefully down to the ground.

"It's good to see me, isn't it?" she rhetorically asked the Ozians.

"No."

Ignoring the dissing, Glinda the Good Witch smiled at her loyal subjects. They all huddled closer to hear what she was going to say.

Suddenly, she began to squeak. I mean, speak. "Fellow Ozians…let us be glad! Let us be grateful! Let us rejoicify that goodness could subdue-"

"Rejoicify?" asked a Munchkin.

"Subdue?" questioned another.

"What do these words mean?" they asked.

Glinda stared at them. "Man, Munchkins really are small-minded."

"Look who's talking…" muttered the Munchkins.

"What was that?" said the blonde in a bubble.

"Nothing…Nothing…"

"Can I continue on with the good news?"

"Yes!"

Glinda flashed her pearly whites at the audience. "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!"

The Ozians just stared at her while the crickets started chirping.

Glinda sighed. "You want to hear about the melting, huh?"

"Yes!"

"Fellow Ozians, the green thing is dead, it's finally dead!"

The Ozians cheered. "Hurray!!!"

Suddenly, an Ozian jumped up to the front. "No one mourns the wicked!"

Another Ozian joined in. "No one cries 'They won't return!'"

"No one lays a lily on their grave!"

"The good man scorns the wicked!"

"Through their lives, our children learn!"

They all chimed in. "What we miss, when we misbehave!"

Glinda, feeling left out, shouted "Hey, I thought this was about _me_!"

_**And Goodness knows  
The Wicked's lives are lonely  
Goodness knows  
The Wicked die alone  
It just shows when you're Wicked  
You're left only  
On your own**_

Feeling very philosophical, Glinda randomly blurted out "Are people born Wicked? Or do they have wickedness thrust upon them? After all, she had a father. She had a mother, as so many do…"

"Uh….I don't know," said an Ozian.

"Will this be on the test?"

"Shut up and let me tell the story!" Glinda snapped. Everyone stared at her. "I mean, gather around while I tell you the tale of the birth of a Witch…"

* * *

_A big, fat, bald guy and a hauntingly pretty woman entered the thinking bubble above everyone's heads._

_"I'm sorry, I have to leave…there's a big business meeting down in the Emerald City," the Father declared, rustling and bustling about._

_The woman turned her back to him. "Oh, sure, it's only just one night anyway." She smiled wickedly. "One looooong, lonely night."_

_"What was that?"_

_"Oh, nothing, I'll miss you Frex!"_

_"Try not to cheat on me while I'm gone, Melena, PLEASE?" He pleaded, looking like a sad little puppy._

_Melena sighed. "Fine….I'll try my best."_

_"Thank you." He kissed her on the cheek and headed off. Once he was gone, Melena wiped the kiss off with disgust. She hurried to the back door and let the lover in._

_"Sweet Oz, what took so long?" He said._

_**Have another drink, my dark-eyed beauty  
I've got one more night left, here in town  
So have another drink of green elixir  
And we'll have ourselves a little mixer  
Have another swallow, little lady,  
And follow me dooooooooown**_

Nine months later… 

"_It's COMING!" _

"_Now?"_

"_No, tomorrow, that's why I'm lying here in UNEXPLAINABLE PAIN."_

"_Oh, right."_

"_The baby's coming!"_

"_And how?"_

"_Did you miss that day in health class?"_

"_Maybe…."_

_The midwife slapped Frex.. "Now is not the time! I see a nose, and a curl! Congrats, it's a healthy, perfect, lovely, little-OH SWEET OZ!!!!" She fainted in a heap on the ground._

"_What's wrong?" cried Melena._

_The midwife regained consciousness just in time to answer. "How can it be?"_

_'What does it mean?"_

"_It's atrocious!"_

"_It's obscene!"_

"_What the hell is going on down there?!" shrilled Melena._

_**Like a froggy, ferny cabbage  
The baby is unnaturally …  
Green!**_

* * *

"So you see ya'll, it couldn't have been easy!" Glinda announced. "To clash with everything, no wonder she was so evil." 

But the Ozians were ignoring her. They just wanted to finish celebrating so they could get the heck out of there.

**_No one mourns the Wicked!  
Now at last, she's dead and gone!  
Now at last, there's joy throughout the land  
And Goodness knows  
We know what Goodness is  
Goodness knows  
The Wicked die alone_**

**_  
No one mourns the Wicked!  
Wicked! Wicked! Wicked!_**

"Okay, we get the point," interjected Glinda, who was getting annoyed.

"Wait, we've got more!" screamed the Ozians.

Glinda rolled her eyes. "Fine…"

_**WICKED!!! WICKED!!! WICKEEEEEEEEEED!!!**_

"We're done now, Miss Good."

"Good."

* * *

"Well, this has been fun," Glinda concluded after the after party. _Yes, talking smack about my dead best friend is OODLES and OODLES of fun…_

"Smack?" asked the Ozians. "Where can we get some?"

"Never mind that. So now, if there are no more questions, I'm going to retire to my-"

"WAAAAIT!!!!" shouted an Ozian. "Miss Glinda, tell us, was she your friend?"

The Ozians gasped. Glinda the Good got a deer-in-the-headlights look plastered on her perfect face.

"Uh…well…poss….um….I….well….yes."

The Ozians gasped….again. One even fainted. But no one cared. Poor Ozian.

Glinda looked trapped. "But, it was a while ago, and besides her death feels like it was just yesterday. I don't want to talk about it."

"It _was_ yesterday," an Ozian pointed out.

Glinda glared at him. "Crap, I might as well tell you, since you're not going to leave me alone about it. Here we go. Once upon a time, not so long ago…hey, don't look at me like that; I'm not _that_ old…"

* * *

**Just click the little button…(I promise, it gets funnier)**


	2. The Music of the Green

**OHMYGOSH! People actually reviewed my story! Thanks to all those who reviewed: LazieLindsay, The Pixess, LostOzian, darkruki008, Nekohime Kitsuya (I so know who you are), and Yorkie Lover.**

**Your reviews truly did make my day(s)! Thanks!**

**Sorry I haven't been upDATing. But to make up for it, here's a relatively long chapter. Woop-dee-doo!**

**Also, I don't know if anyone noticed, but some stuff in Chapter One is new. It didn't get uploaded before, but now it's fixed. Hurray! Okay, I'll stop with the long author noteness. **

**Title: **WICKED Remixed! (Fo shizzle)

**Chapter Two: **The Music of the Green

**Disclaimer: **Don't own Wicked, or the songs from it. Sob!

* * *

Once upon a time, not so long ago, the new students were piling into the dear old Shiz library for a new school year. An overly excited blonde girl strolled in on top of all her luggage and started yodeling annoyingly. Her name was Galinda. A family of three rolled in through the opposite way. One was fat, one was physically challenged, and one was green. We don't really care about the first two right now. But the green one was pushing the wheelchair of the physically challenged one while reading and ignoring the fat one. Her name was Elphaba. 

As if we didn't know already.

The fat one, who is Frex, cleared his throat. "Now Elphaba, I know I've told you a million times already but I'm going to say it again, just to annoy you. I'm only sending you here so you can watch over my precious little bundle of joy. A.K.A. Nessarose."

"Thaaaaaaaaaat's me!" Nessarose stated.

"Uh huh, yeah, sure, whatever," Elphaba said, clearly trying to ignore her father.

Frex was about to explode. Metaphorically, not literally. "Can you stop reading for two seconds and listen to me?"

Elphaba looked up from her copy of _How To Piss Off Your Fat NOT PHAT Father, Volume 4 _and looked up at said father. "Yes Frex, you were saying?"

"Don't call me that. You know that pisses me off."  
"That's why I said it."

"Please, will you two stop fighting and focus on ME," pleaded Nessarose.

"Of course dear," obeyed Frex. He handed her a box and she tried to open it. Once she did, a bright light came from within it, blinding her eyes.

"MY EYES!" screamed Nessa.

"Elphaba, this is all your fault!" snapped Frex, even though it wasn't.

"Okay," she said, used to being blamed for anything anyway.

"OH MY OZNESS THAT GIRL'S GREEN!" someone randomly shouted from the swamp of students.

"EVERYBODY, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!" Then everyone proceeded to run around in circles stupidly, just because they were bored. Then suddely Galinda whistled. Everyone stopped and prepared to wince at the sound of the squeak.

"Everyone, I believe it is our duty as fellow Shizians to give the phosphorescently green girl an opportunity to-"

But the phosphorescently green girl interrupted. "So is THIS what you're all staring at? Fine, let's get this over with. Yes, I was born this way. No, I did not eat grass as a child; the stuff that grows on your lawns, not the stuff that NONE OF YOU SHOULD BE USING. And no, I do not glow in the dark!!"

Suddenly, all the Shiz students pulled out their portable glow sticks and held them up.

"They look the same to me," they all said.

"Elphaba, stop making a spectacle of yourself!" Frex ordered.

She smiled at him. "I can't help it, it's just the way I am."

"Seriously, do you have some sort of guide that tells you exactly how to push all my buttons?"

"Um...no."

Then, a heavyset woman with a big butt and even bigger hair walked in. "Hello, I am Madame Morrible, Headmistress here at Shiz University." A roll of thunder could be heard from the background.

"I'm going to skip the welcome speech because it's pointless anyway. So directly down to roomates." Elphaba and Galinda both raised their hands. Madame Morrible noticed Galinda first.

"Seriously, how did she miss me, I'm GREEN for Oz's sake!"

But everyone was listening to Galinda, trying to soak up her awesomeness. "Hello Madame. I am Galinda Upland of the Upper _Upper_ Uplands. The GA is NOT silent."

Madame Morrible looked annoyed. "Yes, Miss Galinda. Is this regarding roomies?"

"No, my parents paid you a lot of money already to give me a private suite." Everyone groaned.

"But you all can visit me whenever you'd like!" Galinda declared. Her friends crowded around.

"Oh, you're just so good!"

"Were you born with goodness?"

"Will you teach me?"

"In order, I know, yes, and no." Galinda gave her hair one last swish that had her followers nearly fainting in delight.

"I feel like this is a good time for me to exit unnoticed," Frex said as he disapeared. But no one noticed. Or cared.

Meanwhile, Madame Morrible was trying to get away from Galinda. She spotted Nessa...just sitting there. "This must be Nessarose," She creepishly placed her pasty hand on Nessa's face. "What a tragically beautiful face."

Elphaba waved her hand in front of Morrible's face. "Hi, I'm Elphaba, the other one. I'm beautifully tragic."

Morrible looked at her. "Holy Oz, you're GREEN!"

"Um...yeah."

Morrible looked through her notes. "All it says here is that you're a freak with extra freaky powers that you sometimes use to throw stones, tweezers, and other inatimate objects at her fat father with."

"That's about right."

"First, let's find you a roomie." She geastured out into the crowd. "Will anyone volunteer to share a roomie with this freaky green girl right here?"

"Hey!"

"Oh, sorry."

Galinda raised her hand. "I will, Madame Morrible!"

"REALLY?!?!?!?!?"

Galinda snickered. "No."

"Actually, that's a great idea! You two will be roomies!"

"WHAT?!?!?!?!?!" They both screamed.

"Deal with it," Madame Morrible ordered as she walked away to eat her fifth meal of the day.

Elphaba glared at Galinda. "This is all YOUR fault!"

"_My_ fault? How is this _my_ fault?"

"If you hadn't tried to be so stupidly funny, we wouldn't be stuck together!"

"Don't yell at me!"

"I'M NOT YELLING!"

"WELL GOOD, CAUSE NEITHER AM I!"

"AHH I'M SO MAD I COULD-" Suddenly, a flash of green hit Galinda, leaving a blonde frog in her place.

"Ah, you turned me green and scaly!" She cried. "Like you!" Everyone laughed.

Madame Morrible rushed over. "Miss Elphaba, did you do that?"

"No, that frog over there did."

"Sarcasm put aside, I think I'll let you in my sorcery class and let in no other students!"

"But, but, what about me?" Galinda the frog asked.

"I don't know, what about you?"

* * *

After everyone had cleared out, and Galinda had been turned back into a human (much to Elphaba's dismay), Madame Morrible was holding a private meeting in her office. 

**_Oh, Miss Elphaba_****_  
_****Many years I have waited**  
**For a gift like yours to appear**  
**Why, I predict the Wizard**  
**Could make you his**  
**Magic grand vizier!**  
**My dear, my dear**  
**I'll write at once to the Wizard**  
**Tell him of you in advance**  
**With a talent like yours, dear**  
**There is a defint-ish chance**  
**If you work as you should**  
**You'll be making good!**  
  
Elphaba stared at the Morrible. "Madame, you've got something stuck in your teeth."

* * *

Once the plastic lady left, a bunch of random Ozians came into the office.  
"We're here to hear you sing!" They cried.  
"Are you sure?" Elphaba asked.  
"Yes!"  
"Okay, but you're going to need these." She handed them some ear plugs. 

_**When I meet the Wizard,**_**_  
__Once I prove my worth,_  
_And then I meet the Wizard_  
_What I've waited for since, _  
_Since birth!_  
_And with all his Wizard wisdom,_  
_By my looks, he won't be blinded._**

"How is that possible?" asked the Ozians.  
"Shut up."  
"Okay." 

**_Do you think the Wizard is dumb?_****_  
_****Or, like Munchkins, so small-minded?**

"Yes." 

**_No!_****_  
_****He'll say to me,**  
**"I see who you truly are -**  
**A girl on whom I can rely!"**  
**And that's how we'll begin**  
**The Wizard and I**

Suddenly, a bunch of Shizians walked into the library. Once they saw the green girl, they ran away in the other direction.  
"Geez, that was random," noted the Ozians.  
"Whatever, I'm used to it," Elphaba said.  
"Aww, that's so sad."  
"Didn't I tell you guys to shut up?" 

_**Once I'm with the Wizard**_**_  
__My whole life will change_  
_'Cuz once you're with the Wizard_  
_No one thinks you're strange!_  
_No father is not proud of you,_  
_No sister acts ashamed_  
_And all of Oz has to looooooove you_  
_When by the Wizard, you're acclaimed_  
_And this gift or this curse _  
_I have inside_  
_Maybe at last, I'll know why_  
_When we are hand and hand - _  
_The Wizard and I!_****_  
__And one day, he'll say to me, "Elphaba,_  
_A girl who is so superior,_  
_Shouldn't a girl who's so good inside_  
_Have a matching exterior?_**

"No."  
"Seriously, I'm this close to slapping all of you."  
The Ozians cowered in a corner. "We're sorry, WE'RE SORRY! We promise we'll be good!"  
"Good." 

_**And since folks here to an absurd degree**_**_  
__Seem fixated on your verdigris. _  
_Would it be all right by you_  
_If I de-greenify you?"_**

Elphaba turned to the Ozians. "And though of course,that's not important to me..."  
The Ozians just looked at her.  
"All right, why not? I'll reply...!" 

_**Oh, what a pair we'll be**_**_  
__The Wizard and I;_  
_Yes, what a pair we'll be_  
_The Wizard and... _**

But she was cut off by a sudden epiphany!

****

_Unlimited_  
_My future is unlimited_  
_And I've just had a vision_  
_Almost like a prophecy_  
_I know - it sounds truly crazy_  
_And true, the vision's hazy_  
_But I swear, someday there'll be_  
_A celebration throughout Oz_  
_That's all to do with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!_

"Holy crap!" shouted the Ozians, ducking for cover. 

_**And I'll stand there with the Wizard,**_**_  
__Feeling things I've never felt._**

"WHAT?!?!" cried the shocked and disturbed Ozians.  
"Don't look at me, I didn't write this!" 

**_And though I'd never show it,_****_  
_****I'll be so happy, I could melt!**

"IRONY!!!!" screamed the Ozians. 

_**And so it will be**_**_  
__For the rest of my life,_  
_And I'll want nothing else_  
_Till I die._  
_Held in such high esteem._  
_When people see me, they will scream_  
_For half of Oz's favorite team;_  
_The Wizard_  
_And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII..._**

* * *

**Five minutes later...**

_**IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

**_  
_**The Ozians hurried out from under their hiding place. "Geez, don't you ever breathe?"  
"No..." Elphaba said, breathing heavily. "I need my inhaler..."

* * *

**REVIEW!!!!!!!! **


	3. The Loathing of the Pink

**Hey! Thanks to the reviewers for their reviews and constructive criticism. And no, I am not being overeager. (shifts eyes). But thanks.**

**WeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEe!**

**Title**: WICKED Remixed!

**Chapter Three**: The Loathing of the Pink

**Disclaimer**: Still don't own it…Mr. Maguire and Mr. Shwartz do.

* * *

Galinda was reading a copy of _Ozmo Girl!_ when her green roommate ran into the room. She jumped up and glared at her. Elphaba followed suite. Except she wasn't blonde and white. 

"Green girl, I loathe you."

"Blonde (_bad word_), so do I."

"We must sing about it."

"Yes."

"But first, I have to write a letter to my parents/legal guardians."

"All right."

"Stop agreeing with everything I say!"

"Okay!"

* * *

_**Dearest darlingest Momsy and Popsicle**, _wrote Galinda. 

_My Dear Father,_ wrote Elphaba.

Then they both started scribbling furiously.

_There's been some confusion over rooming here at Shiz._

_But of course I'll care for Nessa…even though I'm stuck in here with this pink psycho!_

Elphaba began to violently stab the paper.

_**But of course, I'll riiiiiiiiise above it!**_

_For I know that's exactly how you'd want me to respond….yes. _

Diiiing!

_There's been some confusion for you see, my room-mate is…_

Galinda had to write frivolously to keep up with the music that had just randomly started playing by the Ozian Orchestra, which had just entered in so rudely without an invite.

_**Unusuallyandexceedinglypeculiarandaltogetherquiteimpossibletodescribe**_

Elphaba looked up from her letter to glance at her archenemy. She rolled her eyes.

_Blonde._

Galinda, hearing Elphaba's wicked laughter, crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it at her. She missed. What a failure. She then got up to glare at her again. Elphaba did the same.

"You guys need to start singing!" ordered the Ozian Orchestra Director. The two girls stared at him. "I have to go to the bathroom!!"

Elphaba rolled her eyes for the millionth time that day. The pink punk (Galinda) was the first to obey.

"_**What is this feeling?  
So sudden and new?"**_

"_I felt it the moment_

_I laid eyes on you"_

"_**My pulse is rushing"**_

"_My head is reeling"_

"_**My face is flushing"**_

"Whoa there…" Elphaba said, stepping a few inches back from the flush-faced girl.

"Seriously, what the Oz?" questioned Boq, who had randomly popped in between lines five and six. "Are you guys in love or something?"

"EW NO," said Elphaba.

Galinda blinked. "Then what are we singing about?"

Elphaba and Boq stared at the blonde in disbelief. "You're kidding, right?" they chorused.

Galinda shifted her blue eyes. "Um…yes!"

"Right..." said Elphaba, unyielding in her belief.

"ON WITH IT!!" the Director shrilled. "I really have to go!"

For the sake of the conductor's bladder and their hardwood floor, the two girls continued singing.

_Fervid as a flame,  
Does it have a name?  
YeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! _

_LOATHING!!!!  
Unadulterated loathing"_

Galinda then proceeded to get very close to Elphaba (which was very Gelphie-like behavior, if you ask me) and Elphaba did the same, getting _all up in her icy grill_.

"_**For your face"**_

"_Your voice"_

"_**Your clothing"**_

"_Let's just say - I loathe it all!  
Ev'ry little trait, however small  
Makes my very flesh begin to crawl  
With simple utter loathing_

_There's a strange exhilaration  
In such total detestation  
It's so pure, so strong!_

_Though I do admit it came on fast  
Still I do believe that it can last  
And I will be loathing  
Loathing you  
My whooooooooooole liiiiiiiiiiiiiiife long!"_

At perfect timing, the other Shizians all burst into the room, knocking the door down. How rude.

Before anyone else could, Boq jumped behind Galinda, showing his love and loyalty for her.

Everyone else just stood there.

"I'll give you guys pink candy!" Galinda cried. Everyone else scurried behind Galinda, unanimously glaring at the green girl. They began to chorus. Like a perfect little chorus line.

"_Dear Galinda, you are just too hot  
How do you stand it? I simply could not!  
She's a terror! She's a Tartar!  
We don't mean to show a bias,  
But Galinda, you're a martyr!"_

"What the heck is a tartar?" randomly asked a Shizian.

"You idiot!" another one said, hitting him. "It's...uh, seriously, what IS that?"

"Ahem." The Ozian Director pulled out his pocket-sized dictionary. "Tartar: a person regarded as ferocious or violent," he recited. "Or: a salt used especially in baking powder."

"I am NOT a grain of salt!" screeched Elphaba. Galinda tossed her blonde hair over her shoulders.

"_**Well, these things are sent to tryyyyyyyyyyyyy us!"**_

The Shizians chorused…again.

"_Poor Galinda, forced to reside_

_With someone so disgustingified"_

"_We just want to tell you:  
We're all on your siiiiiiiiide!  
We share your_

It was just chaos from then on.

"_Loathing!"_

"_What is this feeling  
So sudden and new?"_

"_Unadulterated loathing"_

"_I felt the moment"_

"_for her face, her voice"_

"_I laid eyes on you"_

"_Her clothing"_

"_My pulse is rushing _

_My head is reeling"_

"_Let's just say:  
We loathe it all!"_

"Okay, we get it, you guys hate each other's guts, can we just PLEASE MOVE ON WITH IT?!" screamed the Ozians. Everyone stared at them for approximately 4.3 seconds. Then they continued to chaotically sing.

"_Oh, what is this feeling?"_

"_Ev'ry little trait however small"_

"_Does it have a name?"_

"_Makes our very flesh  
Begin to crawl"_

"_Yes-"_

"_**Ah**__!"_

Everyone stared at the Shizian who was trying to get a solo. "What? It's the next line…"

"_Loathing!"_

"_There's a strange exhilaration"_

"_Loathing!"_

"_In such total detestation!"_

"_Loathing!"_

"_So pure, so strong!" _

"_Loathing!"_

"_So strong!"_

"WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END?!" shrieked the Ozians, who were just there to make fun of everyone. And for the free food.

"_Though I do admit it came on fast  
Still I do believe that it can last_

_And I will be loathing  
For forever loathing  
Truly deeply…"_

"_Loathing youuuuuuuuuuuu  
My whole _

_Life looooooooooooooooooooooooooong!"_

Somewhere between the last few beats of the song, Elphaba creeped up behind Galinda.

"Boo!"

"AH!"

Boq hurried over to Galinda. "Are you all right, my love?"

Galinda and Elphaba both looked at Boq strangely. "What?"

"Oh nothing, nothing…"

* * *

**Later that night...**

Galinda flopped on her pinkafied bed after she finished installing pink curlers into her head. "So the guy should be here sometime next week to build up the wall between us, permanently trapping you there forever," she told her roomie.

Elphaba didn't glance up from her book. "Sure, okay."

"What, are you READING?!"

"No, I'm tap dancing on a piano."

Galinda pouted. "Gosh, classes start tomorrow and you're already studying. How many pages are in that book anyway?"

"One hundred."

Galinda stared at Elphaba. "How do you survive?"

"I sense you don't have much of an attention span, do you?"

Galinda blinked. "What's that?"

Elphaba finally glanced up. "Oh Oz…I'm stuck in here with a pink idiot composed only of shallow water!"

Galinda daintly snorted. "Oh please, it could be worse."

"Like how?"

Galinda thought for a moment. "You're right, nothing could be worse."

"Now that you've admitted it to yourself, can you leave me alone so I can finish my 'incredibly confusifying' book?"

"Geek."

"Snob."

"Toad."

"Ditz."

"Nerd."

* * *

**An hour later...**

"Dipstick."

"Celery stick."

"Puff ball."

"Chicken."

"Chicken?"

"Chicken."

"(_bad word_)."

"Asparagus."

"Cream puff."

Galinda gasped. "Now THAT is where I draw the line!" She jumped up. "You wanna take this outside?" she challenged, putting up her fists.

"That's real tough talk, coming from someone wearing Fuzzy Wuzzy Ozzy Slippers," Elphaba said, pointing at Galinda's feet.

Galinda shifted her eyes. "They were _on sale_!" Then, something dinged and Galinda's voice went up five octaves. "Ooo! My muffins are ready!" She hurried off to take said muffins out of the portable microwave oven located above the bathroom sink.

The blonde placed the deliciously smelling muffins (...I want some muffins...) on the dresser and got into her bed. "By the way greenie, I still hate you."

"Likewise."

"Good."

"Oh, Galinda, once more thing."

"What?"

"BOO!"

"AHHHHHH!!!" Galinda screamed, falling off her bed.

Elphaba laughed as she wiped a tear from her eye. "That never gets old…."

"Never again. Good night."

"Sweet dreams."

* * *

**Heh heh heh.**

**Heh heh.**

**Heh.**


	4. Baaaaaahhh

**I love you guys! Even though I don't know you, I love you! Thanks for reading and reviewing once again! Why am I so hyper! Here's the fourth chappy. Hopefully it won't fail to amuse you. Or make you go "WTF?" (You'll see why in a minute).**

**Title:** WICKED Remixed!

**Chapter Four**: Baaaaaahhh

**Disclaimer**: Don't own it. Might as well face it. So saaaahhhhd.

* * *

It was the first day of classes. The students of Doctor Dillamond's class were "eagerly" piling into the classroom. They sat in their seats, waiting for the perfectly normal human teacher who was about to teach them the most wonderfullest subject in the world: History. 

Imagine their surprise when a six-foot tall hairy Goat walked in.

"Hello class," said six-foot tall hairy Goat, uh, said. "My name is Doctor Dillamond. I am a Goat. And I'm here to make sure you guys don't kill each other for the next hour and fifteen minutes."

Elphaba raised her hand. "Excuse me, Doctor Dillamond, but I believe it's an hour and _sixteen_ minutes."

"Why, thank you for correcting me! Since I'm a Goat, I tend to forget useful information."

Galinda pointed at his legs. "Like, how to put on your pants?"

The class laughed meanly as the Goat tried to hide his Super Ozzie Ozman boxers. He cleared his throat. "Uh…now, I have read your summer essays, and to put it nicely…THEY SUCKED!"

"Ooooo…." Oohed the students.

He picked a random essay to read out loud from. "In conclusion, all bunnies and rainbows need to be loved and cared for and cuddled with…' WHO WROTE THIS CRAP?!"

Everyone automatically looked at Galinda. She lowered her head.

Doctor Dillamond continued lecturing. "You guys failed. FAILED. Except you, Miss Elphaba." He handed her the essay. "Your essay entitled _Trees: The Extermination of These Beloved Natural Resources Should Be Halted And Deceased For It Is Damaging Our Ecosystem And Ultimately Our Pathetic Useless Lives _was very intriguing."

"Thank you Doctor Dillamond." She looked over at it and smiled. "I got a smiley face!" The rest of the class glared at her.

Doctor Dillamond walked over to Galinda. "Miss Glinda-"

"It's Galinda."

"Yes, um, your essay entitled _Magik _failed to amuse me. And you even spelled it wrong." He handed her an essay with a huge frowny face on it.

Galinda swished her hair. "I'm sorry, Double D, but I was too busy watching _Oz's Next Top Model_ last night to really put a lot of effort in this pointless assignment you gave us."

Doctor Dillamond, not being a fan of Galindaism (or cable) looked confuzzled. "What?"

Galinda sighed. "_Oz's Next Top Model_. The best show on Ozian television!" The Goat still looked confused.. "You know, the show with the catchy theme song...'You wanna be on top?'..."

Doctor Dillamond gasped. "Miss Glinda…!"

"GAlinda."

"I do not tolerate inappropriate suggestive behavior in my classroom! One thousand word essay on the Rise and Fall on the Ozma Empire. One report on the Rise, the other on the Fall. Due tomorrow."

Elphaba snorted. "She can't do that!"

Galinda smiled at her. "Thank you."

"She doesn't know that many words."

Galinda sprung from her desk. "Why I outta…" But Doctor Dillamond held her back before she could strike.

"Geez blondie, no need to get so violent," Elphaba called from the other side of the room.

"I can't help it that I'm blonde!" Galinda cried.

"Well, I can't help that I'm green! And you still make fun of _me_!"

"It's called paint! Use it!"

"It's called hair-dye! Use_ that_!"

Doctor Dillamond bleated loudly to stop the yelling. "Please stop the fighting!" The students stared at him. "I simply can't take the fighting!" There was an awkward silence following thereafter.

Then Boq raised his hand. "Doctor Dillamond, can you get me a seat closer to Miss Galinda over there?" He glanced at her lovingly. "I want to see how well the sunlight hits her hair."

Doctor Dillamond looked uncomfortable. "Um, well, Miss Glinda would have to-"

The infuriated petite blonde stood up. "For the bajillionth time, Goat, it's GAlinda! **_WITH A GA!!!!_** I don't see what's so hard about it. Every other teacher is able to pronounce it." She sat back down. "And you call yourself a Doctor…"

Elphaba slammed her notebook shut. "Maybe getting the pronunciation of your precious name isn't the sole purpose of Doctor Dillamond's life. Maybe he has better things to than sit at his desk studying your name for _your_ benefit. Maybe some of us…" She paused for dramatic effect. "…are different."

Galinda looked around her. "Well. It seems the artichoke is steamed."

The class laughed wickedly as Doctor Dillamond whacked Galinda over the head with his ruler. "Stuff it, Miss Glinda…"

"It's…oh, never mind. You're hopeless."

"At least he's not stupid," Elphaba commented.

"I'm going to ignore that because I, for one, am not stupid," Galinda claimed. "Now, Doctor Dillamond, teacher, educator, friend, can you please explain to me why you can't just teach us history, instead of always harping on about the past?"

Elphaba rolled her eyes. "Right…not stupid at all."

Doctor Dillamond walked over to the blackboard. "Hopefully, these lovely notes I managed to whip up five minutes before class won't fail to amuse you." He flipped it over to reveal...a message?

_**Animals should be seen and not heard.**_

_**And Goats are ugly. They should be banished from Oz due to extreme eternal ugliness.**_

_**Have a nice day.**_

The entire class gasped and pointed. Elphaba furiously shuffled through her notes, muttering something about World War Two propaganda and parallel universes. Doctor Dillamond tried not to cry.

"WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS ATROCIOTY??" He bellowed. Everyone pointed to Galinda.

"It wasn't me, I swear!" She held up her hands defensively. "I have nothing against Animals! Sure, they're kind of creepy, but without them, I wouldn't be wearing hand-made Lion mufflers."

"She's right," Elphaba said. "She couldn't have done this."

"Thank you."

"She's not smart enough to think of something this good."

Galinda tried to muster all the dignity she could as she tossed her hair. "Class is over. Everyone who loves me, follow my lead." Everyone quickly walked out of the classroom. Except Nessarose. She rolled out. Like a sushi roll. With wasabe and soy sauce.

_Sushi is good._

_I like sushi._

_Mmmmm….sushi._

"Okay, can you stop?" Elphaba demanded.

_No._

"Shut up."

_No._

"Stop it."

_No. I don't want to._

"Now."

_Fine. But I won't like it._

"Good."

_Now I'm off to eat some sushi…but I'm not bringing any back for you._

Ignoring the ravenous authoress, Elphaba strolled over to the Goat teacher. "You shouldn't let ignorant comments like that bother you, Doctor Dillamond. Well, I always do, but you shouldn't."

Doctor Dillamond smiled wearily at her. "Don't worry about me, Miss Elphaba. Go, run off and enjoy your friends."

"That's all right."

Doctor Dillamond looked touched. "Is it because I'm worthy of your time and you admire me so?"

"No…I have no friends."

"Oh." Doctor Dillamond looked at the board again and sighed.

**_Oh, Miss Elphaba - The things one hears these  
days. Dreadful things_**

Creepy music started to fill the room in a random fashion.

**_I've heard of an Ox-A professor from Quox  
No longer permitted to teach  
Who has lost all powers of speech  
And an Owl in Munchkin Rock  
A vicar with a thriving flock  
Forbidden to preach  
Now he can only screech!  
Only rumors - but still -  
Enough to give pause  
To anyone with paws_**

"Clever," the Ozians commented. Doctor Dillamond ignored them, trying to get to the point of his little solo.

_**Something bad is happening in Oz**_

"Something bad? Happening in Oz?" Elphaba asked.

"That's what I just said."

"Oh, right."

**_Under the surface  
Behind the scenes  
Something baaaaaaahhhhhd_**

Doctor Dillamond looked surprised at his sudden bleating. "Sorry. Bad."

"Doctor Dillamond - If something bad is happening to the Animals, someone's got to tell the Wizard." Elphaba smiled. "That's why we have a Wizard."

"He's not going to do anything," the Ozians muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing..."

Elphaba decided to join Doctor Dillamond in his little singalong.

**_So nothing bad_**

The Goat chuckled. "I hope you're right."

_**Nothing all that bad**_

_**Nothing truly baaaaaaaaaaahhhhd**_

Doctor Dillamond started hitting his head with his hooves. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?! IT'S _**BAD**_ I TELL YOU _**BAD**_!!"

"Doctor Dillamond, don't worry about your speech impediment. We are both outsiders. We must stick together."

Suddenly, Madame Morrible waltzed in, followed by thunder and all. "I heard there was some sort of disturburance in class. Are you alright, Doctor? Oh, Miss Elphaba, you're still here! I thought you would have been on your way to my seminar by now. I do hope I have not misplaced my trust in you. Magic is a very demanderating mistress, and if one has ambitions of meeting the Wizard, you can't waste your time with a stupid little Goat teacher...I'm sure Doctor Dillamond sees my point."

Elphaba looked at Madame Morrible. "Man, you talk a lot."

"Look who's talking."

"What?"

"Oh, nothing." Madame Morrible swished her skirts around for one last dramatic show. "I'll be waiting." She flounced off.

"That was scary," said Elphaba. "Anyways, I should go. Oh, and remember..."

**_It couldn't happen here  
In Oz_**

"Yes it could," Doctor Dillamond and the Ozians said as Elphaba exited. The Ozians followed her, leaving Doctor Dillamond alone. By himself. In his solitude.

The Goat noticed some paper next to him. He picked it up, studying it. It was Elphaba's math homework. "Miss Elphaba, you forgot..." He was cut off by a sudden gurgling in his stomach._ Damn, this math homework smells really good...is that...Quoxwood tree paper? Mmmmmmmm..._

Elphaba ran in the room. "Sorry, Doctor Dillamond, I forgot my..." She saw the Goat gnawing on some Algebra.

"Doctor Dillamond, are you..._eating_ my homework?"

* * *

**The End. (For Now).**

**Fellow Ozians, I kindly ask for your advice. My friend Celia claims that Doctor Dillamond is sexy. I'm deeply concerned for her health. Do you have any ideas on what I should do? Or should I support her in her decision to love the Goat? We're both curious to see what people think.**

**Oh, and make sure you tell me what you think of the chapter too! (smiles) Thanks!**


	5. Dumbing It Down

**Hiya! Once again, thanks for the reviews! Oh, and thanks for the suggestions regarding my friend's...uh...problem. LOL. Anyhoo, a million virtual Wicked brownies sent to you all! (Short disclaimer: I do not own Wicked brownies.) **

**Five hours on a plane resulted in a relatively long chapter. So here's a relatively long chapter. Good luck.**

**Chapter Five:** Dumbing It Down

**Disclaimer:** Unfortunately, due to cruel destiny and fate, I am unable to claim ownership to this wonderful and beautiful piece of art that is _Wicked_. On the bright side, I am able to write fanfiction relating to said piece of art. Thank you and enjoy.

**Note**: Words written like _this_ is the authoress making fun of the characters, unless otherwise noted. Because it's just too much fun.

* * *

After the Goat class, the students were piled up in the dear old Shiz courtyard. They were trying to act like they enjoyed school, but were failing miserably, seeing as how they kept using their books to hit each other with. You could say that they were easily distracted. 

To create an even bigger distraction, a carriage driven by a fat guy in glasses and slacks arrived in front of the dear old Shiz statue. A brainless guy was sleeping in the backseat, being mindless and careless.

And stupid.

Meanwhile, the annoying nosy Ozians were following the green girl as she walked into the courtyard. They were taking notes on their little green notepads that they had stolen from Madame Morrible's desk. Elphaba turned and glared at them.

"Can you stop following me?"

"No."

Elphaba rolled her eyes and continued walking. The Ozians followed, scribbling furiously.

Suddenly, the cart ran straight into her, knocking her down. Because they had nothing better to do, the Ozians mimicked this, falling straight to the ground.

"What the _hell_ just happened?" everyone shouted.

Elphaba picked up her copy of _How To Piss Off Your Illegally Blonde Roommate, Volume 64_ and stomped up to the fat guy in glasses and slacks.

Before she could say anything, the fat guy in glasses and slacks gasped. "Sweet Oz, you're green!"

"No (_bad word_), Sherlock. Do you think you can just roll up in here, knocking down innocent pedestrians?"

"Um…"

"Who's that rolling with you?" She walked around to the other side of the carriage and kicked it, waking up the brainless guy.

"Miss…" the roller said. "I don't think that was such great idea…"

The brainless guy unnecessarily stretched and flexed before hoping out of the car. "Dear Avaric," he said to his roller. "Do not fret. I doubt I'll last here longer than at the other universities. We'll be together again soon."

Avaric brushed a tear out of his eye. "I'll be counting the moments."

They then did some weird handshake-foot-tap thing and leaped in the air together, looking very much like blushing schoolgirls flouncing through a field of flowers.

Avaric hugged Fiyero and started sobbing. Fiyero got out a handkerchief and gave it to him. "Don't worry, Avaric, we will meet again," he assured, patting his back.

Avaric let go of him and honked into the hanky. "I'll treasure this forever." He got into the carriage. "Farewell, Master Fiyero!" he shouted as he rolled out of view.

"Good. He's gone." Fiyero started to leave but stopped when he noticed the green girl staring at him.

"Are you gay?" she asked curiously.

"NO! What makes you think that?" he questioned as he pulled out a My Little Ozzy Wozzy nail file and started filing.

His nails, not a bunch of files.

"Uh…no reason." She then hit him over the head with her book.

"Ouch! What was that for?"

"For running me over, you fool. I deserve an explanation for your driver's sudden lack of hand-eye-coordination."

"Well, maybe he saw green and thought _GO_."

Elphaba gasped. That was the rudest comment anyone ever made about her, and she wasn't going to back down without a fight. She then did the best thing she could think of and spit on his shoes.

Fiyero yelped. "Not my Gucci boots!" Elphaba smiled and went off.

_Way to go, Fiyero. You just ran over your future lover. _

"But-she spit on my boots! Wait, what did you say?"

_I said nothing. _

"Yes you did."

_No I didn't. _

"I'm confused-"

_Gee, that's a surprise. _

"Who are you?"

_I am the great and powerful Oz. I see everything you do, and hear everything you say. _

"If you're the great and powerful Oz, you should be able to tell me what number I'm thinking of right now."

_One. _

"Damn, you're good. Hey, wait a minute. Everyone knows that's as high as I can count."

_Uhhhh…. _

"You're not Oz! You are an imposter!"

_Fine. You caught me. Now run along and play with your dollies. _

"You're crazy."

_I'm not the one yelling at myself. _

* * *

On the other side of the courtyard, a certain petite blonde was trying to ward off a certain love struck Munchkin. 

"Miss Galinda!" Boq called. "Wait up!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Bob, but I simply cannot go out with you," Galinda stated.

"It's Boq, actually," he corrected.

Galinda narrowed her eyes at him. "Are you making fun of me?"

Boq gasped. "Of course not, Miss Galinda! I would never make fun of a blonde beauty such as yourself!"

Galinda swished her hair. "Well of course, who would?"

_Um…everyone. _

Boq cleared his throat. "Well, Miss Galinda, I was hoping that, because you're so good and all, if you could give me a chance?" He realized he was looking up at her, so he got up on a nearby stool to reach her height. "Munchkins have feelings too, you know, and I just want to express mine…for you."

"Awwwwwwwwww!" everyone who was pro-Gloq cried.

Unfortunately, Galinda did not find this cute, just incredibly disturbing, as well as annoying. "Biq, I've told you a million times before-" Suddenly, she gasped and held her hand to his chest. "Biq, do you know who that is???"

"_You're touching me_," is all Boq could say, on the verge of fainting.

Galinda twirled her skirts around. "Oh, Biq, you see that guy? Over there? Way down yonder?"

Boq followed his gaze to where Galinda was pointing. There stood an uber-handsome guy, looking terribly confused as he shouted at the sky.

"He's perfect for you in that sense, I guess, Miss Galinda," Boq muttered. "Who exactly is that?"

Galinda sighed, almost melting. "_That_ is Oz's greatest gift to the female race: Fiyero Tiggular, the Winkie prince with the most scandalicious reputation!" She squealed and her eyes became animated pink hearts.

Boq looked closer. "His pants are too tight," he observed.

_Boq, why are you looking?_

Galinda squealed so loud, the Munchkin boy thought he was going to go deaf. She hugged said Munchkin boy and twirled him around.

"I never even noticed, Biq! Thank you!"

"It's Boq-" he started, but she let go of him and started to apply her face. He then went to go bash his head against the nearby statue.

Galinda strode over to the Winkie prince and swished her hair. Fiyero, noticing her flirtatious behavior, followed suit. Except his hair wasn't as long and blonde as hers.

"Are you looking for something?" She gave her hair one last swish. "Or someone?"

Fiyero smiled and showed her a piece of paper he was holding. "Actually, I'm looking for the history class. With a Doctor…Dallimore?"

"It's Dillamond," Boq corrected as he emerged from his suicidal rendezvous. "He's a Goat."

"A goat?"

"No, a Goat."

"How fascinating!"

"Well, we don't care for fascinating Animals," Galinda said. "Besides, that class just ended."

Fiyero crumpled up the paper and threw it on the ground. "I came just in time then."

Boq, scared that he was going to lose Galinda to this sizzling stud, jumped between them. "Actually, you didn't. See, we were just studying-"

Fiyero laughed. "I see the chance to corrupt my fellow students falls to me again. Fortunately, I'm up to the task." He got up on the statue and started to sing.

**_The trouble with schools is, they always try to teach the wrong lesson_**

He turned to the students. "Believe me, I've been kicked out of enough of them to know." They nodded in understanding approval.

**_They want you to become less callow _**

**_Less shallow _**

**_But I say why invite stress in? _**

**_Stop studying strife _**

"Nice alliteration," Boq muttered. Everyone shushed him, trying to listen to the gorgeous hunk singing in his smooth sexy voice.

**_And learn to live the unexamined… _**

**_Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife_**

**_Dancing through life _**

**_Skimming the surface _**

**_Gliding where turf is smoooooth _**

**_Life's more painless for the brainless _**

**_Why think too hard? _**

**_When it's so soothing _**

**_Dancing through life _**

**_No need to tough it _**

**_When you can sluff it _**

**_Oft as I do _**

**_Nothin' matters but knowing nothing matters _**

**_It's just life _**

**_So keep dancing throoooough _**

"Wow, this guy is deep," Boq said sarcastically. The fangirls ignored him, practically fainting at his shallow words.

**_Dancing though life _**

**_Swaying and sweeping _**

**_And always keeping cool _**

**_Life is fraught-less when you're thoughtless _**

**_Those who don't try _**

_**Never look foolish**_

_**Dancing through life **_

_**Mindless and careless **_

_**Make sure you're where less **_

"Okay!" Galinda said, misinterpreting the lyrics a little too happily.

Think about it for a while.

_**Woes are fleeting **_

_**Blows are glancing **_

_**When you're dancing **_

_**Through liiiiiiiiiiiife **_

Fiyero felt like that was enough singing about being stupid for now, so he hopped down from the statue. "So, what's the most swankified place in town?"

"That would be the Ozdust ballroom," Galinda piped up.

"Sounds PERFECT!"

A puff of red smoke surrounded everyone, and they all emerged wearing the hottest Spanish fashions, making them look like Latin spices. Then, to add to the Mexican-like theme, the music turned into a sexy samba sizzle.

WTF did I just write?

_**Let's go down to the Ozdust ballroom **_

_**We'll meet there later tonight **_

_**We can dance till it lights **_

_**Find the prettiest girl **_

_**Give her a whirl **_

_**Right. On. Down to the Ozdust ballroom **_

_**Come on follow me **_

_**You'll be happy to be there! **_

Everyone decided to join in. Because it looked like oodles of fun.

_**Dancing through life! **_

_**Down at the Ozdust! **_

_**If only because dust is what we come to! **_

_**Nothing matters but knowing nothing matters! **_

_**It's just liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife! **_

_**So keep dancing through! **_

Boq awkwardly strode over to Galinda. "M-m-m-miss Galinda?" he stuttered. "I hope that you can save at least one dance for me. I'll be right there, waiting. All night."

Galinda looked scared by his obsession over her, but she managed to stay sweet. "Oh! That's so kind! But you know what would be even kinder?" She turned him towards the edge of the courtyard.

**See that tragically beautiful girl? **

**The one in the chair? **

**It seems so unfair **

**We should go on a spree **

**And not she **

**Gee! **

**I know someone would be my hero **

**If that someone were **

**To go invite her **

"Well, maybe I could invite her?" Boq suggested, desperate for any chance to make Galinda happy.

"Oh, Biq! You would do that? For little ol' me?"

"I would do anything for you, Miss Galinda!" He smiled ran off to Wheelchair Girl, A.K.A. Nessarose.

"Miss Nessarose, I want to ask you something…"

Galinda smiled wickedly as Boq rolled Nessarose away. She twirled her legs. (Her own legs, not Nessa's.) Fiyero strode over to her.

"You're good."

"Oh, I have no idea what you mean…"

"Cut the innocent act, Miss Thang," Fiyero said, snapping his fingers. "I know how wicked you're capable of being."

_Fiyero, you are the stupidest male I have ever seen in my life. _

_And I've seen a lot of stupid males. _

The two blondes ignored the authoress. "So, I'll be picking you up around eight?" Fiyero asked.

"Make it eight oh one."

"Why?"

"Hello? Only the coolest people are fashionably late!"

"I like the way you think."

_She doesn't think at all! _

Just to piss off the authoress, who was anti-whatever their pairing is called, the two blonde saps starting singing.

**Now that we've met one another **

**It's clear we deserve each other **

**You're perfect **

**You're perfect **

**So we're perfect together **

**To be forever **

**Dancing through liiiiiiife! **

_You two knew each other for five minutes! _

"True," agreed Galinda. "But he's hot-"

"And she's hot-"

"And that's good enough for us!"

**_

* * *

_Cut to Nessa's room… **

"What is happening to the Shizian population?" Elphaba declared. "That silly rich boy comes and everyone's gone off to worship him, like a bunch of mindless drones!"

"Including me!" Nessarose cried happily, missing that she just called herself a mindless drone.

**Finally for this one night **

**I'm about to have a fun night **

**With this Munchkin boy Galinda found for me **

"Galinda?!" Elphaba shouted. "That little wench is up to something, and I know it. I-"

Nessa cut her off. "Don't you say one more thing bad about her," she said sternly. "I owe her my life."

"What about your sister?" the Ozians cried. "She's been your personal slave your entire life!"

Nessarose ignored this and continued worshipping the blonde she's never said more than two words to.

**And I only wish there were **

**Something I could do for her **

**To repay her **

"You could give her a couple of your brain cells," Elphaba suggested. Nessarose gave her a disapproving look.

"We deserve each other, me and Boq. Please, Elphaba try to understand!"

Elphaba sighed. "Okay. But this doesn't mean I'm not going to talk to little Miss Perfect about this."

**_

* * *

_In Galinda's closet… **

"I have nothing to wear!!!"

Galinda's friends pulled her out from the pile of clothes at the bottom of her closet. "Why not wear your puffy pink dress?" one of them suggested.

"Oh, this old thing?" She held it up. "Well, I suppose I could."

"Of course."

"It's your signature color."

Galinda smiled. "You're right!" She climbed into the dress. "Zip me up, why don't you?"

Pfannee or ShenShen (does it really matter which?) zipped up Galinda.

"Ow! Are you trying to kill me back there?!"

Pfannee/ShenShen tried again. "It's a little tight."

"It can't be! I'm on a no-carb diet!" Galinda cried, munching on a loaf of bread.

"Um, that bread has carbs in it," Pfannee/ShenShen informed her.

"Really?"

"Yes."

Galinda threw the half-eaten bread out to window. "Woops. Now, I have to accessorize myself for Fiyero! Quick, look around for a necklace or a purse or something."

Her friends looked around for a necklace or a purse or something. Suddenly, one of them screamed.

"What is it?" Galinda cried.

Pfannee/ShenShen pointed at a box she had dropped. "In there…."

Galinda picked up the box and pulled out a black hat. Her friends screamed in horror.

"It's hideous!"

"My eyes! They burn!"

The popular blonde tried to hide the oddly-looking witch hat. "Don't look! It's my horrid Granny-she's always buying me the most hideouses hats! I'll just burn it."

"No!" her friends cried. "Just give it to someone to wear. We'll get a nice laugh out of it because we're easily amused."

Galinda tsked and ruffled the poofy part of her dress. "Now girls, I know you're not as good as me, so let me try to explain. To give someone this…um, unique hat would be a cruel, mean, and wicked thing to do." She smiled. "Besides, I don't hate anyone that much."

Pfannee and ShenShen looked at the green twin-sized bed next to Galinda's and looked back at the blonde. "Yes you do!"

Galinda gasped. "I couldn't! Could I?"

Her friends smiled.

At that exact moment, Elphaba barged into the room. She pointed at Pfannee and ShenShen. "Get out," she ordered.

"Oh, we were just leaving." They winked at Galinda as they exited.

"Listen Galinda, Nessa and I were just talking about you-"

"And I was just talking about you!" She held up the hat proudly. "I thought you'd want to wear this hat to the party tonight!"

**It's really uh-sharp! Don't you think? **

**You know black, is this year's pink! **

**You deserve each other **

**This hat and you **

**You're both so…smart! **

**You deserve each other so here!**

**Out of the goodness of my heart! **

She flounced off, leaving a confused Elphaba with the hat.

**_

* * *

_In Horrible Morrible's office…uh, I mean… **

"Why Miss Elphaba, this is an unpleasant surprise! What brings you here?" A roll of thunder cracked in the sky.

"I was just wondering if you'd mind making another installment in your sorcery seminar," Elphaba asked.

Madame Morrible pursed her lips. "As long as it's not that Upland girl, it's all right with me."

"Um…"

"So it is Miss Galinda, then! Isn't this ironic?" She flipped through her notes. "Why do you suddenly want her stealing your spotlight?"

"Um, I don't think she's capable of doing that."

_Oh wow, just you wait and see._

"Besides, I want to…try being friends." Morrible looked confused. "With her."

"Ahh, I see." Madame Morrible said. "I'm sorry, Miss Elphaba, but that is not a good enough reason for me to place Miss Galinda Upland in my seminar."

"Then how about this?" Elphaba stood up. "I'll quit if you don't."

Madame Morrible gasped. "You wouldn't."

Elphaba glared at her. "Try me."

"Fine," the fat Headmistress grumbled.

"Oh, and make sure you tell her tonight."

"You can leave now."

"Thank you." Elphaba started to leave but then turned back to her. "Madame, one more thing…"

"You don't have to thank me, Miss Elphaba."

"I wasn't. I was going to ask you, do you even _own _a toothbrush?"

**_

* * *

_****Let's go down to the Ozdust Ballroom…**

Later that night, the coolest kids of Shiz were down at the Oz's hottest hotspot: the Ozdust Ballroom. Their black and white costumes swirled and twirled unanimously, creating odd optical illusions for anyone that dared to look straight at them.

Fiyero and Galinda entered together, smiling at the crowd of people admiring them. Fiyero handed the announcer, who was Doctor Dillamond, five Ozbucks so they could be properly introduced.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" the Goat announced. "Please welcome the most swankified hunk in Oz, Master Fiyero Tiggular and his even blonder date, Miss Glinda Upland of the Upper _Upper _Uplands to the dance floor!"

"It's GAlinda!"

"Like it matters."

Meanwhile, Boq wheeled in with his date, Nessarose. They held hands awkwardly as an Antelope handed them drinks.

"What's in the punch?" Nessarose asked.

"Melons and lemons and pears…" Boq said, watching in horror as Galinda and Fiyero kissed in the middle of the dance floor.

Nessarose saw them and blushed. "Oh my!"

Randomly, Madame Morrible, followed by a crack of thunder, entered the Ozdust Ballroom, giving Doctor Dillamond a mean look.

"Hello, Madame," the Goat greeted as politely as he could.

"Goat, you are not invited to this party!"

"Aw man!"

She strolled over to Galinda and tapped her on the shoulder. Galinda broke apart from Fiyero and smiled at the Headmistress.

"Madame Morrible! What a lovely surprise!" The thunder rolled again. "What in Oz's name are you doing here?"

"Well, Miss Galinda, I've finally decided to let you join my sorcery seminar, after all." She handed her a training wand. "Congratulations," she muttered.

"Um…I'm flattered?"

Morrible saw her face. "This is not a joke, Miss Upland. This is serious business."

Galinda squealed. "Oh thank you Madame! Thank you thank you thank you! IpromiseIwon'tdisappointyouIpromiseIpromiseIpromisesincethisisbetterthanthetimeMomsyboughtmetheFuzzyWuzzyOzzysliponsI'vewantedsinceforeveeeeeeeer!"

Morrible turned to Fiyero. "Has she been drinking?"

The most swankified hunk in Oz shifted his scandalicious eyes. "No…of course not!"

Galinda's eyes became hearts."Oh, Madame Morrible, thank you once again!"

"For the love of Oz, stop thanking me! It wasn't even my idea!"

"What-what do you mean?"

"It was your roommate. She said she would quit the seminar if I didn't include you. I couldn't have that, so I swallowed my pride and got this wand for you. By the way, you owe me 7.99 in Ozbucks."

Galinda's happy bubble popped. "Elphaba?"

Madame Morrible looked at her like she had two heads. "No, the other green girl here at Shiz." She rolled her eyes. "My personal opinion is that you do not have what it takes. I hope you prove me wrong." She paused. "I doubt you will." And with a toothy smile, she left.

Fiyero danced over to a stunned Galinda. "What's wrong?"

"I got what I wanted."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I don't know. What's that feeling you get after you do something morally and ethically wrong and in the end you end up benefitting?"

Fiyero blinked. "Can you repeat the question?"

"Oh, never mind. Come on, let's dance!"

* * *

**At the other side of the ballroom...**

Boq was trying to get away from Nessarose, but was failing miserably because she was hot on his trail.

"Boq, I've never been on a date before now, but I know that we're not supposed to ditch each other! Boq? Boq?"

Suddenly, the Munchkin boy got out from a table, waving a white flag in the air. "Miss Nessarose, I'm so sorry. I was looking for my Oztacts," he lied.

"Oh, that's all right. I thought you were ditching me."

Boq shifted his 20/20 vision eyes. "I would never!" He sighed. "Nessa?"

"Yes?"

"Uh, Nessa? I've got something to confess, a reason, why, well, why I asked you here tonight." He paused. "Now I know it isn't fair-"

"Oh Boq, I know why."

"You do?"

"It's because I'm in this chair. And you felt sorry for me." She smiled sadly. "Well isn't that right?"

"No, of course not! It's because.." He looked at Galinda and back at Nessarose. "…because…" He then decided to lie, because of course, it's the easiest solution to getting out of sticky situations.

"BECAUSE YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUUUUL!"

Nessarose joyfully mimicked his unexpected belting. "Oh Boq, I think you're wonderful! And we deserve each other, don't you see this is our chance? We deserve each other, don't we Boq?"

"You know what? Let's dance."

"WHAT?"

"LET'S DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE!" Boq pulled Nessarose's wheelchair and started shaking it. Everyone decided to join in, including Doctor Dillamond. The students quickly pushed him off the dance floor, since he was _downing their vibe_.

Suddenly, the band stopped playing and everyone started screaming, pointing at the entrance. Elphaba stood there alone with her black hat. Everyone laughed meanly as she stepped down towards the dance floor, looking like a deer in headlights.

Galinda covered her eyes. "I can't watch this!" She slapped her boyfriend. "Fiyero, stop laughing!"

"But…but…" Fiyero stuttered between laughs. "…she's so…weird."

_Oh, you young, naïve boy. _

For a moment, Elphaba's eyes caught Galinda's. She took off the hat and gave the blonde a how-could-you-sink-this-low look. Galinda broke eye contact.

"I just remembered what it was called. It's called guilt."

"What is?"

Galinda ignored him and watched as Elphaba put the hat on her head. Just to be even more mean, the lighting director landed a spotlight on the green girl, attracting more attention to her. Galinda's head was screaming, _Please don't start dancing, please don't start dancing, please don't start dancing…_

Elphaba started dancing. And not cool dancing either. This was, to put it nicely, the weirdest, most messed up dancing ever. Everyone continued to point and laugh mercilessly.

"Well, I'll give her this: she definitely doesn't give a twig what anyone else thinks," Fiyero stated.

"No, she does, she just pretends not to," Galinda said sadly.

"Actually, I was going to say that I find that extremely attractive."

"You what?"

"Nothing, nothing."

Galinda, too overcome with guilt to catch Fiyero's early signs of cheating, hung her head low. "I feel awful."

"Why? It's not like it's your fault she's so weird."

"Oh, but it is!" Galinda sobbed. "Well, part of it is."

All of a sudden, a light bulb dinged in her head. She groaned. "Oh sweet Ozlets, it's such a pain being this nice!" She moved towards the dancing green girl.

"May I cut in?"

Elphaba stopped dancing and looked at her strangely. Galinda tried to smile, but really she was about to have a stroke. She started to copy Elphaba's movements, twirling her arms like a windmill and whirling her petite body around.

Elphaba gave her a is-that-the-best-you-can-do look. Galinda was failing at the failure dance. She tried again, sweating profusely at 99.9 miles per hour.

Yes, sweating.

Finally, she was able to master the failure dance. Soon Elphaba joined her and the two witches-to-be danced together, creating the sappiest friendship scene to hit the Ozdust Ballroom in years. The music played again, adding more sap to the Ozmark moment. The rest of the Shizians followed, even letting Doctor Dillamond join in for a while before hitting him over the head with their mallets.

_**Dancing through life! **_

_**Down at the Ozdust! **_

_**Only because dust is what we come to! **_

**_And the strange thing!_**

_**Your life could end up changing! **_

_**When you're dancing!**_

_**Throooooooooooooooooooooooooough! **_

"Baaaaaaaaahhh!"

"Doctor Dillamond, you are still NOT invited!"

**_

* * *

_(flops over on keyboard) Damn, that was a long scene! But it was fun to write! **

**Reviews are always appreciated!**


	6. Where's The Pink Remover?

**Allo! THANKS A BUNCH to you peeps who reviewed! Your reviews made me really happy! Yay! **

**Oh Oz…the 'Popular' chapter. I've made it relatively longer (and weirder!) than the actual scene because I'm easily amused and absolutely bursting with ideas. Hopefully you can read to the end without banging your head against the keyboard or going "WTF IS THIS CHICK THINKING?" Thanks. **

**Chapter Six: Where's The Pink Remover? **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Wicked or popularity. **

**Note: Words like **_this_** is me, the authoress, poking fun again. **

* * *

It was tomorrow. The sun was NOT shining brightly and the sky was NOT blue. The two girls were in their room. Galinda was bouncing of the walls, literally not metaphorically, and Elphaba…was just sitting there. 

"Wait, so this was your first party?!?!?!"

"Do funerals count?"

Galinda let out a little giggle. "That's not a party unless it was someone you hated." She paused and squealed…again. "I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WAS YOUR FIRST PARTY!!!!!"

"Why don't you just alert the media?" Elphaba snapped.

"I already did!" Before Galinda could open the door, fifty or so Ozians barged in, knocking the door down.

"Hey, you're paying for that!" the blonde demanded. "I paid the guy a million Ozbucks to have it pinkafied with _very cherry_ lining!"

"We don't care," the Ozians said bluntly.

"You should care."

"But we don't."

"Can you guys shut up?"

Everyone looked at the green girl. "Um…please?" said green girl, uh, said.

Galinda applauded. "That's more like it. Remember, the only way to _make_ a friend is to _be_ a friend."

"Look who's talking," Elphaba muttered.

Galinda ignored her and flopped on her bed. "I guess I'm starting my hangover early," she said, rubbing her head. She turned to Elphaba and smiled. "Hey, I have an idea! Let's be best friends!"

A roll of thunder shook the sky.

"Even WE weren't prepared for that one," declared the slightly-less-than-well prepared Ozians.

"You…want to be friends…with me?" Elphaba asked, surprised.

"Sure! I'm wasted and have absolutely no idea what I'm doing! Plus I'm prettier than you and I won't have to worry about you stealing my boyfriend right from under my perfect little nose!"

_Uhhh…… _

"First, names." Galinda cleared her throat. "I'm too lazy and drunk to call you by your full name. So I'll call you…Elphie!"

"Uh, it's a little perky," said Elphaba, I mean, Elphie.

Galinda giggled. "And you can call me…" She gave her poofy skirt one last _poof_. "…Galinda."

"What's the diff-"

"Now, secrets. Ooo! I love this part!" She smiled wickedly at her new BFF. "Spill!"

"I don't really-"

"All right, Miss Timid. I'll go first." She paused dramatically. "Fiyero and I…" She paused…again. "are going to be married!"

"He's asked you already?"

"Oh, no. He doesn't know yet." She swished her hair and smiled. "But some on, I'm _me_. Now, tell me."

"Tell you what?" Elphaba asked innocently.

"Your phone number. What do you think?" Galinda rolled her eyes. "Your deepest darkest secret."

"No."

"Tell me."

"No."

"**_TELLLLLL_** ME!"

"No."

"Tell me or I'll…I'll…damn it, I don't have any dirt on you yet!"

"Hah hah. Give it up. I have no secret."

"Everybody has a secret. Like…" She leapt for Elphaba's pillow. "…why you keep this green bottle under your pillow! Hey, wait a minute, what's this?"

She pulled out a large black rifle labeled _Blonde Remover_.

The green girl shifted her eyes. "Now how did THAT get in there?"

The blonde girl looked at the Blonde Remover. "It says here 'Do you have an annoying squeaky roommate that is just too…blonde? Then spray this at her five times. Not four, not six. Five. Blonde no more. Guaranteed results.'"

Elphaba snatched it from her. "All right, I was going to wait until your birthday, but…this is a bubble blower. It will turn any blonde into a bubble in two seconds flat and make her fly away."

"So…it's a bubble maker?"

Elphaba shifted her eyes. "Uh….sure, let's go with that!"

For a moment, Galinda just sat there in silence. Then, she started to cry.

"Galinda! I'm sorry, it was before I knew you…See, I'll throw it out." Elphaba threw it out the window, breaking the glass into a thousand little pieces.

"Hey, you're paying for that!" said the Ozians.

* * *

**Outside, twenty stories below… **

Boq was chained to Nessa's wheelchair and was painting her toenails. "Nessa, can you please unchain me? My butt's getting numb!"

"Don't worry, I bet it'll still be cute…"

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing, nothing," came Nessa's nonchalant reply. "If I unchain you, you might try to run away again."

"Oh, I promise I won't!" Boq said, crossing his fingers.

"All right." She unchained him and looked at her feet. "Come on, Boqqy Woqqy. Less stroke, more brush."

"How about less heart, more slap?"

_Irony is my best friend. _

"What?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing."

"Oh, Boq, isn't this the best date you've ever been on in your entire life?!" Nessa cried, her eyes becoming animated hearts, although they were not as animated as Galinda's.

"No," Boq said bluntly.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing," he nonchalantly said…nonchalantly.

_You guys have a very NONCHALANT relationship. _

All of a sudden, something flying from the sky hit Boq on the head, knocking him unconscious. Nessarose screamed.

"Boq, get up! You haven't finished my toes yet!"

* * *

**Back upstairs… **

Galinda was making her way through her tenth box of tissues. Elphaba was sitting next to her, trying to make her feel better. But she was failing. FAILING.

"Galinda, for the hundredth time, I'm sorry!"

"No, that's not it…I'm just so happy!"

"You what?"

"I'm happy!" the crying girl, uh, cried. "It's always been a dream of mine to be a bubble. That, and be named Oz's Next Top Model."

The sound of crickets filled the room.

The Ozians coughed. "Can we move on with this already?"

"Right. So Elphie, what's with the green bottle?"

Elphaba rolled her eyes. "Fine. I'll tell you." She sighed. "My father hates me."

"Oh, Elphie, that's not a secret!"

"Thanks. He hates me because my mother is dead. She's dead because of Nessarose. She's in a wheelchair because-"

"Elphie, classes start in five hours," Galinda declared. "I'm going to have to figure this out, and we don't have that much time."

"You're right. Basically, because I was green, my father made my mother overdose on milkweeds, which caused Nessa to come early, which made her paralyzed and killed my mother."

After the explanation, Galinda's eyes were Xs and her tongue was sticking out. "I don't get it," she said.

"IT'S MY FAULT MY FATHER IS SINGLE!"

Galinda recovered from her post-traumatic stress disorder and gasped. "Oh no, that's terrible!"

"At least now you get it," Elphaba said, rolling her eyes.

Galinda seemed to think about it for a while. "As a good Ozian and your best and only friend, I will say something so utterly cheesy, it will make sap ooze from the walls."

"Good luck," muttered the Ozians.

"Just give me time to think!" Galinda snapped.

* * *

**Five minutes later… **

"You got it?" Elphaba asked.

"No," Galinda said. "Not yet."

* * *

**Ten minutes later… **

"Galinda…?"

"Still thinking!"

"I didn't know you could think for this long."

"Funny."

* * *

**Forty-four and a half minutes later… **

"Galinda, History starts in three hours."

"I don't care, I'm going to sit here and think of something sappy to say until it kills me!"

* * *

**Sixty minutes later… **

"Um, Galinda, are you dead?"

"Uhhhh…."

* * *

**Uhhhh…. **

"I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Elphaba awoke from her sleepy slumber. "You do?"

"She does?" the Ozians asked, doubtful.

Galinda ignored their doubtingness and held up a piece of paper to the sky. "Elphie, that may be your secret, but it doesn't mean it's true."

"_Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww_," the sensitive Ozians cried as pink sap oozed from the walls.

"That's it?" screeched the insensitive Ozians, AKA the males of the group.

Relatively pleased with herself, Galinda hopped down from the bed and stood in the middle of the room. She turned to her new green friend. "Elphie, now that we're friends, I've decided to make you my new project."

Elphaba looked at her in horror. "You REALLY don't have to do that. _Please, please don't_…" she added silently.

Unfortunately, Galinda seemed to miss this and merely laughed. You could say she had trouble _reading between the lines_. "I know I don't have to. That's what makes me so nice! LIGHTS!!!"

The room suddenly became dark. "Ahem?" A pink spotlight landed on the pink girl, adding more pinkness than necessary.

_Ding! _

**_Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I _**

"And let's face it-who isn't?"

"Who isn't what?"

"Less fortunate than IIIII!"

**_My tender heart tends to start to bleeeeed _**

**_And when someone needs a makeover _**

**_I simply HAVE to take over _**

**_I know, I know _**

**_Exactly what they neeeeeeed _**

**_And even in your case _**

She looked at the sullen green girl and paused.

**_Though it's the toughest case I've yet to face _**

**_Don't worry , I'm determined to succeeeeeeed _**

**_Follow my leeeeeeeeead! _**

**_And yes, indeed _**

**_You. Will. Beeeee… _**

"Dumb?"

"No! Even better!"

**_Popular! _**

**_I'll help you be pop-uuu-lar! _**

**_I'll teach you the proper ploys _**

**_When you talk to boys _**

**_Little ways to flirt and flounce _**

**_Ooo! _**

**_I'll show you want shoes to wear _**

**_How to fix your hair _**

**_Everything that really counts to be _**

**_Popular! _**

**_I'll help you be pop-uuu-lar! _**

**_You'll hang with the right cohorts _**

**_You'll be good at sports _**

"Cheerleading isn't a sport."

"It is too!"

"Riiiiight…"

**_Know the slang you've got to knooooow! _**

**_So let's start! _**

**_Cause you've got an awfully long way to go… _**

"Thanks. I feel great about myself now," Elphaba said, rolling her eyes.

**_Don't be offended by my frank analysis _**

**_Think of it as personality dialysis _**

**_Now that I've chosen to become a pal, a sis- _**

**_Ter and advisor _**

**_There's nobody wiser _**

**_Not when it comes to _**

**_Popular! _**

**_I know about pop-uuu-lar! _**

"You're so conceited," Elphaba whispered.

"What was that?"

"Oh, I said nothing."

**_And with an assist from me _**

**_To be who you'll be _**

**_Instead of dreary who you were… _**

"Well, are," Galinda corrected.

For once, Elphaba did not bother to comment.

**_There's nothing that can stop you _**

**_From becoming populer… _**

**_Lar… _**

She saw the look Elphaba gave her and huffed. "What? I had to rhyme!"

Galinda then proceeded to dance and twirl like a little ballerina in a tutu with a broken leg while yodeling in the highest soprano any Ozian has ever heard.

**_LAAAA LAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAA!!!! _**

Correction, make that two broken legs.

**_I'm gonna make you Pop. U. Lar. _**

**_When I see depressing creatures _**

**_With unprepossessing features _**

"Hey!"

"Oh, sorry," Galinda said, not sounding sorry at all.

**_I remind them on their own _**

**_We have. To. Think. Of- _**

**_Celebrated heads of state or specially great communicatORS _**

**_Did they have brains or knowledge? _**

**_Don't make me laugh! _**

**_They were popular! _**

**_Please- _**

**_It's all about pop-uuu-lar! _**

"These are the shallowest lyrics I've ever heard."

"Well, what do you expect? I'm not that deep."

**_It's not about aptitude _**

**_It's the way you're viewed _**

**_So it's very shrewd to be _**

**_Very very popular _**

**_Like me! _**

**_LAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! _**

_Hey, you added in four extra 'la's! _

Galinda shifted her eyes. "No I didn't."

_It's not smart to mess with the songs. _

"Oh please, can I do some more?"

"NO!!!!" screamed the Ozians. "OUR EARS ARE ALREADY BLEEDING!"

_Fine…I need a good laugh anyway._

**_LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! _**

"Okay, I'm done." The Ozians clapped as Galinda bowed. "Oh, Elphie, aren't I just a musical genius?"

"No."

Galinda chose to ignore her anti-Galindaism and brought out her massive box of cosmetics. "Come on, Elphie, it's time for the beautification!"

Elphaba backed away from the cosmetics in fear. "No, it's not."

The pink girl pouted. "Do you want me to start singing again?"

"PLEASE DON'T!"

**_LAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAA- _**

"OKAY OKAY OKAY I'LL LET YOU GALINDAFY ME! JUST STOP WITH THE YODELING! PLEASE!"

"That's what I thought you meant."

* * *

**Later…MUCH later… **

The green girl was beautified. The blonde girl was joyified. The poor Ozians were annoyified. The snappy authoress was sleep deprived.

"Oh, Elphie, you're absolutely glowing!"

_Nice pun there, blonde one. _

"I am?" Elphaba questioned, incredulous.

"Of course! Would I lie to you?" Galinda demanded, hurt.

"Um…yes."

For the billionth time that day, Galinda ignored her and stood her up. "Now, the outfit." She pulled out her training wand. "I will now transform your simple frock into a positively glorious ball gown. She ruffled her skirts and started waving the wand.

"Ball gown!" she demanded.

Nothing.

"Ball gown!"

Nothing. In the background, an Ozian coughed.

"Ball gown!"

"Do you want me to try?" Elphaba suggested.

"No! No, I'm completely capable of doing it myself!" Galinda hit the training wand against her knee. "Is this thing on?"

"Maybe it's turned off," Elphaba said sarcastically.

"Don't be silly. I think I would know if it-" She looked at the wand. It was set on OFF. "Well, what do you know? Heh heh…" She turned it on and waved it again. "BALL GOWN!"

Suddenly, a flash of pink lightening hit Elphaba, causing everyone else to be thrown back approximately 3.78 feet.

"What the hell just happened?" the Ozians shrieked.

Galinda walked over to wear Elphaba was standing. "Elphie? Did it work?"

"What do you think?"

The blonde girl who was trying to be a sorceress but was failing miserably looked to where the voice was coming from. She screamed.

Elphaba had been turned into a cactus.

"WTF?" screeched the Ozians.

"This is the most messed up spell-gone-wrong I've ever seen in my entire life!" screamed an Ozian who was trying to separate himself from the group. But he was stupidly stating the obvious, so everyone shunned him mercilessly.

"Elphie, I'm sorry!"

"Just turn me back!"

"I'm scared to!"

"Just do it!"

"Why don't you just stay like that?"

"Are you kidding me? I don't want to be a cactus!"

"Look at it like this. Cactuses are green anyway. No one will make fun of you now."

"GALINDA!"

"Okay, okay!" She squeezed her eyes shut and waved her wand again. "Freaky green girl!"

The flash of pink lightening landed on the Elphie-cactus, causing everyone to fly back 3.79 feet instead of the typical 3.78.

"Elphie! You all right?"

Elphaba was pulling needles out of her arm and glaring at Galinda. "By the way, it's _cacti_, not _cactuses_."

* * *

**Five hundred sixty-one needles later… **

"The next part is very crucial, Elphie, so listen up!" Galinda, clad in a lab coat and fake glasses, pulled down a conveniently-placed overhead and slapped a ruler on it. "Lights!" The lights dimmed again.

"Ahem?"

A spotlight landed on Galinda.

"Thank you. Now, this is a stiletto. It is very painful to wear and may generally result in an amputation of your foot. But it's gorgeous so it's worth it." She clicked on the next slide. "Now this is my personal fave-Elphie, are you writing this down?"

"What? Oh, yeah," Elphaba said, quickly grabbing a notebook and jotting down notes.

"And you call me dumb," Galinda muttered. She slapped her pink ruler against the screen. "The Ugg."

"The Ugg?"

"The Ugg. Fuzzy on the inside, spicy on the outside."

"Um, do you want me to write that down?"

Galinda rolled her eyes. "I'm saying it, aren't I? This will be what you're wearing tomorrow."

"The Ugg?"

"The Ugg."

"I don't want to wear the Ugg."

"You will wear the Ugg. You'll wear it and you'll like it."

"I'm not wearing an Animal."

"Fine. You'll wear Fuggs. All right?"

"All right."

* * *

**All right… **

"Now Elphie, this is how you flip your hair." Galinda swished her hair. "Toss toss!" Her blonde hair slapped an Ozian in the face.

"My eyes! They've been blondified!" he screamed. But everyone ignored him. Poor little blondified Ozian.

"Toss toss?" Elphaba flipped her hair less enthusiastically.

"No, like this." Galinda flipped her hair harder. "Toss toss!" She sent her hair flying at warp speed, whacking the poor Ozian again.

"OUCH!" he cried.

"Okay, I think I got it now." Elphaba tried again. "Toss toss."

"More flip, less toss. TOSS TOSS!"

"CAN YOU STOP HITTING ME!" the nearly-blind Ozian screeched.

"Toss toss," Elphaba said.

Galinda rubbed her aching neck. "You can practice on your own. That's your homework."

"Okay?"

"I don't mean to get all sappy again, but look at yourself! You're a less attractive green brunette version of me!" Galinda wiped a tear from her eye. "I'm so proud!"

Elphaba stood there and looked at herself in the mirror. She smiled. "It didn't break this time!"

Galinda clapped her hands. "Now, the finishing touch." She took the pink flower from her head and put it in Elphaba's hair.

"Well what do you know! Pink goes good with green!"

Sappy friendship music started to fill the room and more pink sap oozed from the walls, covering the floor.

"Uh…I have to go." Elphaba ran out of the room quickly.

"You're welcome?" Galinda called. She caught herself in the mirror and winked. "Hello!"

**_And though you protest _**

**_Your disinterest _**

**_I know clandestinely _**

**_You're gonna grin and bear it _**

**_Your new found popularity _**

**_Ah! _**

"Oh no, we thought you were done!" the Ozians moaned.

**_LAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! _**

**_You'll be popular! _**

**_Just not quite as popular _**

**_Aaas. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! _**

Halfway during Galinda's belted 'me,' Boq burst into the room.

"Miss Galinda! Someone's trying to kill you!" He held up the Blonde Remover. "Look what hit me!"

Galinda screamed and threw her pink pillows at him. "Get out of here! This is the girls' dormitory!"

Boq ran out quickly so no pink would get on him, just to come face-to-face with a very pissed off Nessarose.

"There you are, Boq!"

"How did you…"

"If this is going to work, you're going to have to forget about Galinda and focus all your attention on me!" The physically disabled girl gave him an icy glare, literally causing icicles to form on the ceiling. "And just so you know, if I could tap my foot in an irritated fashion, I would!"

Nessa then grabbed Boq and chained him to her wheelchair. "You will be punished for this, Boq."

The Munchkin boy gasped. "No, Nessa! I'm sorry, I promise I'll be good!"

"It's too late for that. Now come on!"

"Not the hose! Not the hose!"

* * *

**Review please! Please? **


	7. Drowning In Sap

**Hellooooo my fellow Ozians! Wow it's certainly been a while! Hope you review anyway! Once again, I am absolutely STUNNED by you people's wondrous comments. As always, they make me happy! Thanks a million times over!!!**

**Chapter Seven: **Drowning In Sap

**Disclaimer: **I'm not that owner…

**Note: **Once again, _this_ is the sleep deprived authoress poking fun/making a statement/being easily amused. Try not to mind her too much. (wink)

* * *

It was today. Not tomorrow. Today. The hung-over students of Doctor Dillamond's first period History class were sluggishly trying to get to their seats but were unable to because…they were hung-over. 

L'duh.

A certain little Munchkin boy with two black eyes and two broken legs and nine broken toes stumbled into class on crutches.

"Where the hell am I?" he said not particularly to anyone.

A newly-Galindafied Elphaba strode over to him. "You're in Doctor Dillamond's first per-"

"No need to answer. That was rhetorical," Boq said.

Somewhere above their heads, a hung-over Galinda was going, _Hey, MY line_.

"Did Nessarose beat you up?" Elphaba asked.

"No, I decided to put myself in a near coma because I'm panic nauseous and suicidal," Boq declared.

"Hey, only _I_ can use sarcasm," the sarcastic green girl stated.

_Was that meant to be sarcastic?_

Boq ignored the authoress and somehow managed to roll his blackened eyes in a mocking fashion. "Whatever."

"What did you say, punk?" Elphaba snapped, choking the poor little Munchkin.

"I said nothing! Nothing!"

"That's what I thought." She dropped him to the ground.

"Man, wickedness really runs in the family," the Ozians said, pointing out the obvious.

At that exact moment, Fiyero decided to stroll over to point and laugh at the unconscious Boq. "You got beat up by a girl!" he observed, laughing. "And she's in a wheelchair!"

Elphaba glared at him. "Do you want to get beat up by a green girl?"

Fiyero shrank back in fear. "No thank you."

"Good." She then proceeded to try toss tossing in a high soprano. "Toss toss!" She was suddenly aware of Fiyero staring at her.

"_What_?" she snapped.

"I've never met anyone more bipolar in my entire life," he said.

"Shut up."

The most swankified hunk in Oz ignored this and pointed to her boots. "Uggs?"

"Fuggs."

"Right."

Meanwhile, a nearly dead Boq was trying to get back on his feet, but Nessarose rolled right over him via wheelchair, so he was back to where he started. But no one got up to help him. Because no one cared.

"You've been Galinda-fied," said Fiyero rather stupidly, not letting it go.

Elphaba rolled her eyes. "I'm glad the loss of your brain has heightened your other senses."

Fiyero ignored this, primarily because it was true. "You don't have to do that, you know."

"Do what?"

"Be a Galinda."

The sound of crickets filled the room, even though it was daytime and they were inside.

_Did Fiyero just say something…smart?_

"It's the end of the wooooooooorld!" the Ozians shrieked. "Nooooooooooooooooo!"

At that precise moment, Doctor Dillamond, AKA the Goat, skipped in, beating his hooves against the chalkboard, as well as his head.

Not at the same time, of course. At separate times.

"All you hormonally imbalanced adolescents, listen up," the Goat announced. "We were supposed to start learning about something insufficient, but today I'm going to teach you something actually worth knowing." He cleared his throat.

"My head hurts and I've got the runs. Plus, I'm hung-over. Who can tell me what this means?"

Elphaba raised her hand. "It means you're drunk."

"No. It means I was drunk _yesterday_. Now, who can tell me why I decided to be under the influence?"

"You're an alcoholic!" a Shizian shouted.

"Your Goat wife left you!" suggested another.

"You're gay!" piped up a third.

"No, yes, and maybe." The Goat paused. "It's because-"

"Your girlfriend-on-wheels keeps running you over?" Boq suggested from his place on the ground.

"That's my cue!" Nessarose yelped as she put her wheelchair into gear and ran him over again, crushing his tenth toe.

"Ow," is all the Munchkin boy could muster. He then proceeded to curl up in a little ball.

"WILL YOU STUPID KIDS PLEASE SHUT UP?!?!"

Everyone stared at the pissed off Goat in silence.

"Thank you. Now, I'm leaving because-"

Suddenly, two Men In Green waltzed into the room.

Yes, you heard correctly. Men In Green.

"Come on, Goat," one of them said.

"I haven't even gotten a chance to announce my retirement!" the Goat protested.

"What?" Elphaba cried. "Why, Doctor Dillamond?"

"It is unfortunate to say that Animals can no longer teach here at Shiz University," Doctor Dillamond declared. "Or any other university for that matter."

"And that's unfortunate…why?" said the Ozians.

Elphaba, ever the activist, jumped up. "They can't do that!" she cried.

"Oh, but we can," replied the Men In Green.

"No you can't."

"Yes we can."

"No you can't."

"Who do you think you are?" the Men In Green said, finally giving up. "The Wizard's daughter?"

_Uhhh…_

"Class, just remember, they can take away my job, but they can't take away my voice," Doctor Dillamond voiced as he was being escorted out. "Always continue speaking out, they cannot silence-"

He was then silenced by the Men In Green. The last thing anyone heard from him was _Hey, watch the goatee _and a long line of _baaaaaaaaaaaaah_s.

"Are we just going to sit here and do nothing?" Elphaba asked the class after a lengthy silence.

"Yes," said the Ozians.

The class said nothing. Finally, Fiyero decided to help.

"I don't know," he said.

"Thanks for the help."

"You're welcome."

All of a sudden, a human teacher walked in holding a cage. "Hello class. I am your new teacher, Mister Nikidik."

"Um…what?" asked the Ozians.

_I don't know! That's what it says in the book._

_And you NEVER question the book. _

"What book?" Fiyero questioned.

_So you're deaf now too?_

"Where's the Goat guy?" Fiyero asked randomly to anyone, ignoring the authoress.

Elphaba slapped him. "You idiot, where have you been?"

"In Ozapalooza."

"WTF?" shouted the Ozians.

"Why didn't you take me with you?" demanded the Ozian who was trying to separate himself from the group but was continuing to fail. FAIL.

And just in you're wondering, it was the same Ozian who got hit in the eye with Galinda's hair. And the one who fainted in the first chapter.

It will always BE the same Ozian.

Everyone looked at said Ozian with utter disdain and remorse.

"What?"

Once again, he was shunned mercilessly.

"Everyone, gather around now," Mister Nikidik ordered. He then removed the cloth covering the cage with a dramatic flourish. "Ta daaaaaa!"

Everyone gathered around and stared. "What is it?" they asked in unison. UNISON!

"It's a roasted chicken. What do you think it is?" He then held up the cage Lion King style. Except the thing that was not a roasted chicken was in a cage and his name wasn't Simba. It was Sanjaya.

No, I'm not mistaking. He actually has a name.

"It is a Lion Cub!" Mister Nikidik announced proudly.

"A Lion Cub?"

"A Lion Cub. Like all the other Animal babies, instead of teaching him to speak, we're going to try to exterminate him by silencing him at birth." He saw the gaping students gap at him.

"Oops, did that slip out?"

The authoress then proceeded to flip through her Western Civilizations notes frantically.

_This seems oddly familiar. Holocaust, anyone? _

"Why is he in a cage?" Elphaba demanded.

"It's good for him," Mister Nikidik replied.

"If it's good for him, then why is he trembling?"

"He's just excited to be here, that's all."

"Why are you so bad at lying?"

"Why do you ask so many questions?" Mister Nikidik then whipped the cage with his travel-sized whip, causing the Lion Cub to shrink in horror.

"Stop it! You're scaring him!" Elphaba shouted.

"Look who's talking," Mister Nikidik muttered, rolling his eyes. "Soon, all the Animal babies will be in cages, silencing them, forever keeping humans above the Animal species. Oops, did that slip out again?"

Da da da dun...

"Oh, no! This is terrible!" Elphaba said to Fiyero. "Can you imagine a world where Animals are kept in cages and they don't speak?"

_Yes. It's called good ol' planet Earth._

But all Fiyero could say was, "I don't know."

"Can you say anything besides 'I don't know'?"

"I don't know," he answered, sitting there like a pathetic fool.

"Well, I can't just sit here like a pathetic fool!" She saw the look Fiyero gave her and decided to ignore him. "Someone's got to…DO SOMETHING!"

Suddenly, sparks began to fly everywhere and smoke filled the room in a creepy fashion. The Shizians and Mister Nikidik started to dance spastically, like a couple of spastic people on crack.

WHICH NONE OF YOU SHOULD BE USING.

"Uh…." said the Ozians, quickly hiding something in their pockets.

"What the hell did you do?" Fiyero cried.

"I don't know…" Elphaba stammered. "I got mad and…"

"How did you do it?"

"If I knew, don't you think I would have already stopped it by now?" she snapped.

"All right, all right. Just whatever you do, don't get mad at me." He grabbed the Lion Cub caged in a cage. "Well, are you coming?"

_No. She's not going to a random conveniently-placed dark forest a couple miles away with the hottest hunk in Oz unsupervised. Right, Elphaba? _

* * *

**In a random conveniently-placed dark forest a couple miles away…**

"Careful, don't shake him!" the green girl ordered.

"I'm not," the brainless guy, who was shaking the cage, said. "You must think I'm really stupid, don't you?"

_Yes._

"No, not _really_ stupid," Elphaba said, shifting her eyes. "What makes you think that?"

Fiyero pulled out a copy of _How To Piss Off Your Bubbly Best Friend's Really Stupid (But Hot) Boyfriend, Volume 1,726,435,342_.

"You left this back at the class," he said, annoyed.

Elphaba snatched it from him. "Don't look at that!" She then threw it in the direction of some trees. Fortunately, an Ozian was standing in the way, so the trees were not harmed.

"My eye!" said Ozian, uh, said as the book hit him at 78.4 miles per hour.

"I also found this," Fiyero said, holding up a copy of _Find Your Inner Princess_.

Elphaba looked at it. "That's not mine."

There was an awkward silence. Fiyero then shifted his eyes and whistled and tucked the book inside his pocket, saying nothing.

"Wooooooooooooooow," wowed the Ozians.

The Lion Cub, desperate for some attention, starting roaring. Elphaba glared at the guy who was trying to find the princess within himself and grabbed the cage from said princess. Uh, I mean, guy.

"Look what you did!" she scolded. "You caused a commotion, and now he's scared."

"Look who's talking," he muttered.

"Excuse me?"

"You're the one always causing some sort of commotion," Fiyero stated, waving his arms around to illustrate his point.

"I don't cause commotions, I am one."

"That's for sure."

_You walked right into that one, green one._

Then, Elphaba exploded. Metaphorically AND literally. "Oh! Do you think I want to be this way?"

"Um…"

"Do you think I want to care this much?"

"Um…"

"Don't you think I'd rather want to dance through life like you and the rest of those mindless blonde drones?"

"Um…"

"But you know why I don't?"

"Um…"

"Because I'm too busy taking care of everyone else in their utter laziness!"

"Um…"

"For Oz's sake, Fiyero, if you have something to say just say it."

"But….but…you don't let anyone else speak!"

Elphaba seemed to think this over for a while. "You're right. Sorry." There was a silence. "Can I just say one more thing?"

Fiyero rolled his eyes and she took that as a yes. "You could have walked away back there," she declared. "So no matter how self-absorbed and shallow you pretend to be-"

"Excuse me?" the self-absorbed shallow guy said. "There is no pretense here. I happen to be extremely self-absorbed and deeply…shallow."

"No you're not. Then you wouldn't be so unhappy."

_Ouch._

"Damn, Fiyero!" the Ozians said. "You lost!"

"You know what?" the loser guy said, infuriated. "If you don't need my help, then I'll just leave."

"No, don't!" As Fiyero was about to leave, she grabbed his hand.

As if on cue, sappy music started to fill the forest in an extremely sappy fashion.

"Hey, where's that music coming from?" the Ozians asked.

_I had the forest wired last night._

"Why?" a very confused Fiyero asked.

_Oh, you mindless, idiotic fool._

Then, shiny lights shined in the trees, adding more extreme sap to the scene.

"What was THAT for?" the Ozians questioned.

_Seriously, do you guys and Fiyero share one brain?_

"Possibly…"

_Thanks, that explains a lot. _

Elphaba was the only one who understood what was going on. "Can't you just mind your own business?" she demanded.

_No. _

"Why not?" demanded Fiyero.

_Because… _

"Because why?"

_It's amusing..._

"No it's not!"

_...for me._

"But I can't stand him!" cried the green girl.

"And I can't stand her!" said the brainless guy.

_Oh really?_ _You can't stand each other? _

"Yes!" they chorused.

_Then why are you still holding hands? _

They looked at their entwined hands and let go, blushing. The sappy music started again, and the Ozians were suddenly taking interest, scribbling down notes.

The atmosphere was too awkward to bear, so Elphaba went over to Sanjaya (AKA the Cub), who was sleeping. "Look, it's trembling…"

"No it isn't," pointed out an Ozian.

"…I didn't mean to scare him…"

"Then what did you mean to do? And why didn't you do it to me?" asked Fiyero, joining her on the ground.

_Think about it for a minute, you idiot. _

_Oh wait, you can't._

She looked at him. "You're bleeding," she stated bluntly.

"Really?" He wasn't really buying it, but he didn't really care.

"It must have scratched you," she said. "Or something…"

"Yeah…or something."

"Wait, how could it have scratched him if it was in a cage the whole time?" and Ozian pointed out after a couple moments of tense silence. But everyone shushed him so they could watch the sap unfolding. Plus, the authoress proceeded to drop a ten ton brick on his head, so he was knocked unconscious.

Meanwhile, _those_ two were getting a little too close for comfort. Elphaba was about to touch a scar on Fiyero's face that wasn't there, and the Ozians were writing so fast, they were writing in fire instead of lead. The couple-to-be were about to kiss, when…

**_I'm a Ozzy gir!l In the Ozzy world!  
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!  
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere!  
Imagination, life is your creation! _**

Fiyero whipped out his cell phone, looking extremely embarrassed. "Hello?" he answered. High-pitched squeaking emerged from the other line. "Yes, Galinda, I'll pick up your pink dry cleaning…" He hung up, and Elphaba was looking at him curiously.

"Are you _sure_ you're not gay?" she asked.

"Hey, I was about to kiss you, wasn't I?"

She blushed. "Oh…right."

He got up, picking up the cage. "So…I'd better get to safety. I mean, the Cub…yeah, him, so uh…"

He then ran to the right speedy-quick. A couple minutes later, he came back, running in the opposite direction, leaving Elphaba all alone. Lonely. Forlorn. In her solitude.

"Okay, we get it," she said.

More music started playing, and the Ozians put earplugs in their ears, preparing for another belting number.

_**Hands touch, eyes meet**_  
_**Sudden silence, sudden heat**_  
_**Hearts leap in a giddy whirl**_  
_**He could be that boy**_  
_**But I'm not that girl**_

"Hey, where's the beltingness?" asked the male Ozians.

"Shhhhhhh….." silenced the female Ozians. "This is the most sap we've ever seen!"

_**Don't dream too far**_  
_**Don't lose sight of who you are**_  
_**Don't remember that rush of joy**_  
_**He could be that boy**_  
_**I'm not that girl **_

"Yeah, you're not."

"Shut up."

"Okay."

_**Ev'ry so often we long to steal**_  
_**To the land of what-might-have-been**_  
_**But that doesn't soften the ache we feel**_  
_**When reality sets back in**_

_**Blithe smile, lithe limb**_  
_**She who's winsome, she wins him **_

"Well DUH," noted the Ozians.

_**Gold hair with gentle curl**_  
_**That's the girl he chose**_  
_**And heaven knows**_  
_**I'm not that girl. **_

_I beg to differ. _

"Um…why?" asked the girl-who-claimed-she-was-not-that-girl.

_Because the book doesn't say so. _

"Um…what?"

_Think about it for a while._

_

* * *

_**2.3 seconds later… **

"EW, NO!"

_Hah. _

"You're disturbing!"

_YOU disturb ME. So I guess we're even now. _

"Go away! Please?"

"Just ignore her," said an Ozian. "She'll go away eventually."

_No I won't. I have a VERY strong attention span. _

_Ooo, look! Sushi!_

_**Don't wish, don't start**_  
_**Wishing only wounds the heart**_  
_**I wasn't born for the rose and pearl **_

_**There's a girl I know**_  
_**He loves her so**_  
_**I'm not that girl...**_

"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW…" awed the sensitive Ozians, dabbing their eyes.

"SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP…" moaned the males, NOT dabbing their eyes.

Suddenly, it started to rain, adding to the sap of it all. As if on cue, Horrible Morrible entered the scene, big butt and hair and all.

"Miss Elphaba! There you are!" she cried, holding an umbrella over them. "I couldn't distinguish you from the rest of these trees! Good news, I finally heard back from the Wizard!"

"You did?"

"And he wants to meet with you!"

"He does?"

"Yes! I know how upset you were the other day with Doctor Dillamond's retirement-"

_It was today, you moron. _

"-but I can assure you, my dear, when one door closes, another door opens!" She pulled out a green envelope.

Elphaba grabbed it and squealed. "Yay!" She paused, slapping herself. "I really am becoming Galinda-fied," she said.

"You don't have to worry about that blonde bimbo any longer!" Madame Morrible clapped her hands. The rain disappeared and the sun smiled and the angels sung.

"Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!"

"All right, that's enough," said Morrible.

The Ozian Choir hung their heads low and scurried away.

"Now, try to make me proud my dear," ordered Morrible. "We can't have this University looked at as a disgrace."

"I will," assured the green girl. They stood there in silence. "Okay, can you go now?"

Once Morrible left, the Ozian Chorus, combined with the Ozian Orchestra, crawled out from their hiding place to play some music.

_**And then we'll finally be**_

**_The Wizard and I… _**

"That one little reprise of _The Wizard and I _was unNECessary," said an Ozian.

"Shut up."

"Okay."

* * *

**Review please! Pleeeease?**


	8. Ozian Overture

**Oh. Wow. It's been a while. Oh noes! Writer's block kind of makes it hard to have free writing time. But I'm back, and hopefully that doesn't make you hide into your little customary corners. Once again, thanks a BUNCH for the reviews you reviewers, they make me happy and roll on the floor and laugh! YOU ROCK!**

**Chapter Eight: Ozian Overture (I just can't help myself with the alliteration!) **

**Disclaimer: The day I own _Wicked_ is the day I hate _Wicked_. **

**Note: **_This_** is me, the authoress, making fun of the poor, not-so-innocent characters. Seriously, have you READ the book? **

* * *

We join our little friends at the Shizian train station, where millions of pedestrians walk, talk, and roll like sushis every day. Throughout all the hustle and bustle, on Platform Five and Five Fifths. were the three witches-to-be of Oz.

"Yeah seriously, they constantly forget all about me," complained Nessarose as she was being rolled in. "I'm special too, you know."

_I'm sorry, what was that?_

Meanwhile, the short blonde one was busy lecturing her green friend on the highlights of _The Highlights on How To Talk To The Wonderfullest Wizard of Oz 101_.

"Elphie, make sure you write this down: always keep eye contact, but not too much to make him scared and become mentally unstable. Also don't forget to tell him how wonderful he is, he might be a Wizard, but he's also an egotistical man. And mostliest, be yourself." She paused. "Well, within reason. Did you get all that?"

Elphaba looked up from her notebook. "All I wrote was 'Surrender individuality and be stupid.' How's that?"

Galinda rolled her eyes. "Honestly, _must_ you be so vague? Try this: 'Surrender individuality and be a Galinda.'" The blonde rolled her eyes…again. "And you think _I'm_ stupid…"

"Have you guys forgotten about me again?" demanded Nessa.

"Of course not, Vanessa," Galinda said.

"I am NOT the Hudgens!"

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiight…."

The girl confined to a wheelchair huffed (not on cigarettes, of course) and crossed her arms. "Where is Boq? I told him to meet me here for our daily _mani/pedi_. It's our special _**TIME**_ together. If that boy's not here in two seconds, I swear I'll…"

But a truck drove by loudly, drowning her out, even though they were in a train station.

* * *

**2.10532 seconds later… **

Boq came running in from the right, huffing and puffing. On cigarettes, of course. (That naughty boy. Hugs, not drugs, kids.)

"Sorry I'm late, it's really hard to run with two broken legs. I-"

But he was cut off by a sudden slap to the face.

"Boq, you are late, mister. I am NOT happy," Nessarose affirmed. "And you know what happens when I'm not happy."

Elphaba and Galinda whistled and slowly took five steps back, leaving Boq alone with the ice witch.

"Don't leave me here with her!" he pleaded. But no one helped him. Because no one cared.

Ignoring his forlorn cries, Nessa took out some _Pink Me Pretty_ nail polish and started pinkafying Boq's nails.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" cried Boq, trying to run away, but seeing as how his nails were being more pinked by the second, he was failing. FAILING.

"That ain't right," said a ghetto fabulous Ozian. But he was stupidly stating the obvious AGAIN so the authoress zapped him with a bolt of lightning.

Heh.

* * *

**Five minutes later… **

Boq was sitting on the bench, crying his little Munchkin eyes out. Nessa was now painting his toenails. Galinda was trying to comfort him. Elphaba and the rest of the Ozians were taking notes and silently laughing at the scene unfolding. The authoress was chugging down some hot chocolate from her Ozzy Princess cup to try to stay awake.

And there were marshmellows.

MARSHMELLOWS.

"It's okay, Biq. Pink is my favorite color," the pink-loving girl stated.

"It's _Boq_!" Boq wailed.

"Oh, I'm sorry. But look at it this way: tough guys wear pink." She fluttered her eyelashes. "And tough guys _are_ the new pink."

The Ozians gasped as they rolled off their Segways. What was this? Galoq behavior? On Galinda's part? What?

In response to the emerging Galoq-ness, Nessarose threw the pink nail polish at Galinda, but all this did was pinkafy her more, which made her very happy.

"Yay! More pinky!"

Nessa snarled and took out her black nail polish and aimed it towards Galinda again, but the blonde pushed Boq in front of her before she could be de-pinkafied.

"No!!" Boq shouted as he jumped from his seat. "I will not stand for this! I was voted most confident in my low self-esteem group. Nessa, I didn't object to the shopping sprees and Roll-A-Thons, but the pink nail polish and the constant physical abuse…I can't do it anymore!"

To illustrate his point, (and to display his manly boyishness), the angry Boq boy threw his head back and staggered away from the scene speedy quick, evoking feelings of surprise from the Ozian audience on how a three point three foot Munchkin with two broken legs could get away from the iron clutches of one very pissed off Nessarose, but amazingly he was able to do so in a very provocative manner.

That was so NOT a run-on sentence.

"Boq, wait!" Suddenly, Nessa became very sad and she sunk in her seat.

"Oh nooooo…" whimpered the Bessa fans, wiping their eyes.

"Oh yessss…." hissed the Galoq fans, NOT wiping their eyes.

"Is it so wrong to forcibly paint your boyfriend's nails?" Nessa questioned.

"Yes," said Elphaba.

"No," said Galinda. She glanced at her friend, who was looking at her strangely. "What?"

"Galinda, help Nessa," Elphaba said. "I'm bad at this."

"All right." The blonde turned to the wheel-chaired girl and cleared her throat. "Nessa, as your friend and fellow Ozian, I will offer you advice and guidance that will not only comfort you, but will make you feel better as well." She paused for dramatic effect.

"Maybe he's just not the right one for you."

"Yeah, that sure helped," said Elphaba, rolling her eyes.

Nessarose glared at the blonde. "Ex-_CUSE_ me, but the last time I checked, you're the one who set me up with him. That little pathetic Munchkin boy is MINE."

"I am not little!" shouted Boq from 3,452,514.73 centimeters away.

Galinda gasped, realizing what Nessa was implying at. "I wasn't…"

By now the Ozians had divided themselves into rival factions, Bessa fans on one side and Gloq fans on the other. Both sides were leaning in close to listen and scribbling down notes furiously, trying to keep up with the love triangle DRAMA.

Galinda narrowed her eyezzzz. (No, that was not a typo). "Nessa, I am a very peaceful pacifist, so DON'T MAKE ME ANGRY. I'm not the type to get into a fight over a guy."

"Um…" said the Ozians, flipping ahead in the script.

"Oh, Galinda, don't blame yourself. I just have no female instincts," Nessa said sadly, her bipolar tendencies kicking in. "And it's me who's not right." Defeated, she rolled herself over to where Boq had gone.

"Nessa, wait!" Elphaba was about to run after her but Galinda held her back.

"She'll be fine, Elphie, don't worry about it," Galinda ordered. "She'll have to learn how to survive on her own." She sighed. "We all will."

"Um….that's nice and all, but can you let go of my arm?"

"Oh, sorry." She let go of her green friend's arm (which surprisingly was green as well) and frowned. "But who's going to make me smarterer while you're away? If I hang out just with my boyfriend, I might grow dumb again!"

"You have the Elphie-double to keep you company," Elphaba pointed out.

Galinda looked at the silent cactus next to her and wailed. "It's just not the same!"

"Oh, relax. You won't even notice I'm gone. Besides, you have Fiyero. Speaking of which, where is he?" She saw the odd look Galinda was giving her and quickly added, "NotthatI'dexpecthimtosaybyetomewebarelyknoweachother."

Out of a desperate need for attention, Galinda dramatically slapped the back of her hand on her pink forehead. "Oh, I don't know him either! He's distant, moodified, angerfied, annoyified, grumpified, sadified…"

* * *

**Meanwhile… **

The most swankified hunk in Oz was frolicking through a field of flowers while trying to stick roses and daisies and orchids-oh my!-in Sanjaya's head.

_Um..._

"THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH FROLICKING THROUGH A FIELD OF FLOWERS WITH A GAY LION!"

_I never said there was._

_  
_"Oh. Well, then pretend I didn't say anything." Fiyero stopped frolicking and sat down on a conveniently placed rock, silently stroking the Cub.

_Stop stroking Sanjaya._

"Why?"

_He doesn't need anymore stupid rubbed on him._

"Was that supposed to offend me?"

_I rest my case._

"Why are you so mean?"

_Why are you so stupid?_

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUB IT IN MY FACE YOU KNOW!"

_And menstrual?_

"I AM NOT A WOMAN!"

_But you're practically on the brink of-_

"LEAVE ME ALONE!!"

_No. I like making you look more stupid than you are._

_Wait, you can do that yourself._

"Shut up."

_You flunked first grade._

"It was only in Math and English!"

_You were on that show 'Are You Smarter Than A Piece of Paper?' _

"So?"

_…You lost._

_  
_"How did you-"

_I know everything. Plus, you're not deep enough to figure out._

_  
_"Oh yeah? What's my favorite color?"

_Four._

_  
_"Are you a psychic?"

_Yes. _

_"Wow…"_

_Now I'm bored.__ Pick up those flowers and follow me._

"Why?"

_Because I said so._

"Why?"

_JUST DO IT._

"OKAY OKAY!"

_Good._

"What are these flowers for, yo?"

The authoress then zapped him for stepping out of bounds and calling her 'yo.' And for displaying his stupidity.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" said idiot cried.

_Idiots aren't allowed to ask questions. They follow orders._

_  
_"I AM NOT AN IDIOT!" He paused, trying to manage the _real world_ of making his own decisions.

* * *

**0.0000032657 seconds later...**

"Okay, now what should I do?"

_Bring the Cub._

"The Cub?"

_The Cub._

"Fine."

_This conversation was pretty pointless._

"Yeah it was."

_Like you._

_  
_"HEY!"

_You're only good for one thing._

"WHAT?!"

_Just shut up._

_  
_"All right."

* * *

**9.8 Newtons, I mean, minutes later…darn you physics homework! **

"…and he's been _thinking_, which really worries me." Galinda took out her pink hanky and daintily honked her nose into it. "Honestly, I didn't even know he cared about that stupid old goat."

"You mean Goat."

"Isn't that what I said?"

Silence followed soon after because there was nothing remotely interesting to talk about.

"I'm special!" shouted an Ozian.

_Yes, yes you are. _

Galinda continued to dab her eyes with the pink hanky…panky. "I mean, the constant alooftation, the remorsement, the distancification, it leads me to believe one thing…" she paused for dramatic effect and to let her green friend contemplate her abuse of the Ozianese. "…FIYERO IS CHEATING ON ME!"

The Ozians collectively gasped…collectively.

Elphaba shifted her eyes. "Um…what makes you think that, Galinda?" she asked as innocently as she could. But she failed, because she wasn't that innocent at all.

Galinda's eyes widened as she widened them. "Weren't you just listening?!" she screeched, bursting out into a fresh set of tears.

"Oh Galinda, please don't cry. You'll ruin your makeup."

Galinda immediately stopped crying. "You're right, Elphie. Thank you." She plastered a fake smile on her face and tried to regain her posture. "I need to make myself presentful even if my boyfriend is cheating on me with-" She paused…again, this time to glare at her friend.

Elphaba got a deer-in-the-headlights look. But before she could say anything, Galinda screeched, permanently damaging the green girl's eardrums.

"THERE HE IS ELPHIE! AND LOOK, HE'S CARRYING A BOUQUETIE OF FLOWERS!" Galinda jumped up and down excitedly and exponentially. "He does love me! He does he does he does!" She lifted her arm to the swankified hunk sauntering towards them. "Yoo-hoo my darli-"

"Elphaba!" he said, cutting off his blonde girlfriend. He handed the mountain of pink and yellow flowers to the green girl. "Congratulations. I'm happy for you," he said shyly.

The green girl blushed and looked at the flowers. The rejected blonde linked her arm through Fiyero's. "Yes, _we_ are all so happy."

There was that silence again.

Fiyero tried to _break the ice_. "So…uh…I didn't get you red flowers…you know, so you wouldn't, like, clash or whatever…" The authoress zapped him again.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"

_You idiot, that wasn't romantic at all! REDEAM YOURSELF. _

"Uh…what's going on?" asked a very confused Elphaba.

"I'm sorry…I'm not used to talking to girls who hate me," said Fiyero.

"Oh, I don't hate you," said Elphaba. "That much…."

"YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" screamed the Fiyeraba fans.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried the Gelphie fans, and the one Glindyero fan. But he was shunned mercilessly for his stupidity and disillusionment.

Fiyero fumbled on what to say next, especially with his GIRLFRIEND standing right next to him. "Uhh…so I've been thinking-"

"Yes, I've heard."

"…about that day…with the Lion Cub…and so I…" He paused. "…think about that day a lot. It feels…like it was yesterday."

"It _was_ yesterday," said an Ozian, but the sensitive people in the crowd that wanted to see the subtle romance taking place shushed him.

"Oh…" the green girl said. "Well…I think about that day too."

"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Galinda looked back and forth between her boyfriend and her best friend, trying to figure out what was going on. Instead of confronting them, she decided to go simpler.

"Oh, me too!"

Fiyero and Elphaba broke their glances and looked at the blonde with question marks in their eyes. The Fiyeraba fans threw imaginary daggers at her for interrupting _the moment_. But being the powerful petite that Galinda was, she could not be stopped.

"I think about him ALL the time!" Galinda declared. "It breaks my heart to see that this wonderful educator and trustworthy friend was treated like that. He deserves to be heard, and he deserves to be recognized as the wonderful Giraffe that he is!"

"He's a Goat," corrected Elphaba.

"Oh, right. Well this wonderful Goat teacher needs to know that we won't stand for this. I have solitarily decided that from now on, by the power invested in me, I will take a stand against this injustice!" Galinda threw her chin up and struck a strong edgy pose. After a moment of silence, she coughed and a red spotlight with some solid pink undertone landed on her, even though they were outside.

"Thank you. Now, to show my dedication to my cause and to display my…" she searched for the right word, "…_outrage_, I will pay my homage to Doctor Dillimundo-"

"Dillamond."

"-by changing my name!"

Silence…once again. Hey, who wants a cookie?

Fiyero coughed. "Your name?"

"Yes," said Galinda proudly. "Since Doctor Dillamond had his own unique way of pronouncing my name, I will no longer be known as _Ga_linda but simply…Glinda! It's one less syllable for you to pronounce, Fiyero." She beamed proudly as she bowed, her head lowered.

"Wow…that's very admirable of you…Glinda," Fiyero said, rolling his scandalicious eyes. "Elphaba, good luck." He waved to the green girl as he scurried out of there.

"Is he gone?" asked the blonde, her head still low, after five seconds.

"Yes."

Glinda-not-Galinda jumped up, her face streaked with new tears. "You see that? You see?? He didn't even offer to wait for me, OR pick up my pink dry cleaning!"

"Well…maybe he doesn't like pink laundry," Elphaba said, trying to help.

But Glinda-not-Galinda wasn't listening. "I don't think its meant to be anymore! He's not even perfect, and I still want him! How twisted is that?"

_Very. _

"You're not helping!" she shouted at the sky.

"Galinda-"

"IT'S GLINDA NOW!" She collapsed into Elphaba's arms. "Oh the pain! The pain of not being loved back!" She mourned loudly. "Oh Elphie, how do you bear it?!"

Elphaba patted her friend's back awkwardly. "Well, first I….hey!"

Glinda honked her nose into a hanky for the bajlilionth time that day. "Can you just comfort me?"

"Um…" shifted the Ozians uncomfortably.

"NOT IN THAT WAY!"

"Riiiiight…" said the Gelphie fans.

_Meh. What are YOU still doing here? _

"We're entitled to our own opinions, too, you know."

_Uh…no you're not. _

"As a parody writer, you need to stay objective to appeal to a wider audience."

_Grrr….fine. _

Sappy music started to play-courtesy of _Orchestrated Ozians, Inc_-as the two friends hugged.

"Do we get to sing??" questioned the Ozians.

_No. You get to tap dance. _

"REALLY?!"

_No. _

"Oh."

"Come with me, Glin," said Elphaba.

"Where?"

"To Ugabu. Where do you think?"

**_One short day  
In the Emerald City_ **

Glinda's eyes glazed with giddiness (alliteration is for the astute). "The Emerald City?! Oh, Elphie, is it true? You're inviting me along?"

"They're holding auditions for _Oz's Next Top Model_ after our meeting with the Wizard. You can audition," Elphaba said seriously. "You wanna be on top, don't you?"

"Of course!"

_**One short day  
In the Eh-MER-ald Cityyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…. **_

"Glinda that is NOT what I meant!"

"Oh. Sorry."

* * *

**One short day...In the Emerald City...**

**_  
One short day  
Full of so much to do  
Ev'ry way  
That you look in the city  
There's something exquisite  
You'll want to visit  
Before the day's through_ **

Da Da Da DaDaDaaaa…

**There are buildings as tall as Quoxwood trees**

Dress salons

**And libraries**

Palaces!

**Museums!**

**_A hundred stroooooooooooong_ **

_  
**There are wonders like I've never seen**_

It's all graaaaaand!

**And it's all green!**

**_I think we've found the place where we belooong!  
I wanna be  
In this hoi pollooooooooi_**

_What the FERRET?! _

"Oooo I'm going to buy a Ferret! I'll name her…Francisco!"

"Uh…"

"You're right. _Frances_ is so much better." Glinda walked over to the pet store and coughed daintily. "Excuse me, how much is that Ferret in the window?" she asked the pet owner person.

"Excuse us, but we're in the middle of a song here!" cried the overcurious orchestrated Ozians.

Ah, another amazingful adventitious attempt at alliteration.

"Glinda, you can buy your Ferret later."

The blonde huffed, annoyed. "Fine…but I'll be back for good someday!"

"To make my mind and make my way!"

_  
**But for today, we'll wander and enjooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooy**_

**_One short day  
In the Emerald City  
One short day  
To have a lifetime of fuuuuuun  
One short day_ **

**_And we're warning the city  
Now that we're in here  
You'll know we've been here_ **

_**B4 we are doooooooooooone! **_

**In front of the Ozian theatre… **

"Oh Elphie, isn't it just grand?!" Glinda gushed, taking in all the green around her. "All the ring-a-ding-dings and shabalabadingdongs, it's all so…Ozmopolitan!" She held up two green tickets. "Elphie-come on-we'll be late for Wizomaniaa!"

"Hold on, Glinda," said the green one. "I want to remember this moment. No one's staring at me, or laughing, or pointing, or throwing sharp inanimate objects-I finally feel like I belong." She looked at her friend. "Does that make sense?"

"No," Glinda said. "But it sounded sappy, so I'll just nod my head and agree with you."

"That's all I ask."

They ran inside to watch the musical inside a musical.

Suddenly, the lights dimmed and three freakishly looking green peanuts on crack ran onstage. The entire audience fainted.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE CREATURES!?" shouted Elphaba.

"I know!" said Glinda. "I didn't think there could be anything scarier than you, but WOOP there it is!"

"Thanks, Glinda, thanks."

"Anytime."

They then decided to jump onstage and join the peanuts on crack to entertain the knocked out audience.

**_Who's the mage  
Whose major itinerary  
Is making all Oz merrier?  
Who's the sage  
Who's sagely sailed in to save our posteriors?_ **

_You Ozians seriously need a thesaurus. _

_**Whose enthuse for hot air ballooning**  
**Has all of Oz HONEYMOOning?**  
**Wooooooooooooooo - OOOOOOOOOOOO -oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**  
**Wizn't he wonderfuuuuuuuul?**_

_No._

"Our wonderful wizard!"

Everyone looked at the forlorn Ozian who was trying to _make it big_ in the music industry by sneaking in solos but was continuously continuing to fail miserably. MISERABLY.

He shifted his eyes around. "Uh…ta da?"

He then got smashed by a peanut on crack and was silenced forever. He was better off dead, so he wouldn't have to listen to the chaos that ensued from then on.

**_One short dayyyy _**

**_Who's the mage_ **

_  
**In the Emerald Cityyyyyyyy **_

**_Whose major itinerary_ **

_  
**One short dayyyyyyyy**_

**_Is making all Oz merrier_ **

_  
**To have a lifetime **_

**_Whose the sage who_ **

_  
**Of funnnnnn **_

**_Sagely sailed in to save_ **

_  
**What a wayyyyyy **_

**_Our posteriors_ **

_  
**To be seeing the cityyyy!**_

_Oh Oz SO CONFUSING! You're going to make my head explode!_

**_Where so many roam to_ **

Dadada daa daaa….

_  
**We'll call it home, too**_

Dadada daa daaa….

_  
**And then, just like now**  
**We can saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay:**_

_  
**"We're just two friends"**_

**Two good friends**

Two BEST friends

"Can you stop right there please?" asked Elphaba nervously.

Glinda just looked at her. "We're done already?"

**_Sharing one wonderful  
Ooooooooooooooooooooooone shoooooooooooooooooooooooooort_**

_The Wizard will see you now!_

"Hey, you took my line!" cried the pissed off guard.

_Deal with it._

"Okay."

**_Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!_ **

* * *

**Please review and tell me what you think! Love it? Hate it? Cheesecake? Anything! **


	9. Plot Break and Pink Handed Compliments

**Fellow Onions, I mean, Ozians-Thanks for all your reviews; as always, they go appreciated and loved!**

**Chapter Nine: Plot Break and Pink-Handed Compliments**

**Disclaimer: Me no own the Wicked. Me sad. **

**Note: **_This _**is the authoress, who will never shut up, making stupid comments throughout this weird fic. Enjoy.**

* * *

The atmosphere was too awkward to bear.

The air was tense. The silence was deadly. The floor was shiny.

The two witches-to-be sat in front of the Wizard's chamber, waiting for their meeting with…the Wizard. Glinda-not-Galinda busily stroked Frances, her new pet ferret. Excuse me, Ferret. Elphie silently read a humongous book while trying not to faint from excitement.

Finally, the blonde decided to speak. I mean, squeak. "Elphie…did you HAVE to wear that hideouseouseouseous hat today?" Glinda-not-Galinda sighed, looking at her newly found best friend in disgust.

Elphaba looked up from her book and glared at Glin…daaa. "Yes. It's a constant reminder of the shallow basis of our friendship and a reflection off the ultimate crux of your selfish, arrogant ways. Plus, it looks cool."

"No, Elphie, it does not. It's ugly. Take it off."

"No."

"Fine. But only if you sing a song with me."

"Must I?"

"Yes." The perkified blonde stood up gracefully. "LIGHTS!" A pink spotlight surrounded her once more, intensively clashing with the emeraldness around her.

"What shall we sing? Ooo! I know….'_Pop-UUU-laaaaaaar_-'"

"NO!" everyone shouted.

Glinda huffed. "Fine…'_Everybody makes mistakes! Everybody has those days! Everybody knows what, what I'm talking 'bout, everybody gets that way!_' Take it away, Elphie!"

Elphaba twitched silently behind her.

"_Crank dat camel toeeeeee!_" screamed a ghetto fabulous Ozian.

As usual, he went unnoticed and unloved by all.

Glinda stroked her chin, trying to come up with a feel-good-heart-breaking-sappy-pseudo-platonic-ultimate-friendship song she could sing with her BFFN (best friend for now).

"Hm…" hummed the Ozians, looking ahead in the script.

At this point, Elphaba was getting annoyed of Glinda and of waiting to meet her father. Uh, I mean, her ruler. "Honestly Glinda, I agreed to the whole BFF deal, but I don't think it's going to last. You don't even like the stuff I like. Like reading. What can be more fascinating?"

"Watching pink paint dry," answered Glinda.

Elphaba mockingly clapped. "Wow…I'm so proud. You managed sarcasm."

Glinda blinked, serious. "What's that?"

"Was that meant to be sarcastic?" asked an oblivious Ozian.

Glinda bounced up and down in her chair, sending Frances squealing off her lap and crashing into ten Ozians conveniently placed as bowling pins. "See…we DO have stuff in common. We just need to _teach_ other." She smiled.

"Stop grinning, Glinda. You look scary."

"ANOTHER thing we have in common!"

"You make me feel so good about myself."

"Elphie, you're not going to find anyone who's going to make you feel good about yourself. So just embrace my shallow friendship NOW," Glinda demanded, a little lax for compassion.

"Um…" said the conscientious (three point SAT word!) Ozians as they once again flipped ahead in the script.

"Glinda, this friendship is over," Elphaba declared, standing up.

Glinda gasped and exploded into a pink ball of fluff. Figuratively _and_ literally. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? NO ELPHIE COME BACK I NEEEEEEEEEEEEED YOU!"

Elphaba glanced at her bubbly buddy wearily. "I'm kidding. You know…ha ha?"

"It wasn't funny," said an Ozian.

"Shut up."

"Okay."

"See Elph, that's why I like you!" Glinda said, being belligerently bipolar. "I'm way too happy for my own good! So when I need to feel bad about myself, I'll just hang out with you."

"Don't call me Elph."

Glinda ignored this and opened up a copy of _Ozian Bridal_ conveniently placed right next to her. "Well Elphie, if you're so apt on reading, then why don't you help me plan my wedding!"

"Um…what?"

Glinda quickly scammed over the dresses. "I want pink in my dress, but I know Ozian wedding dresses are usually white, so what should I doooooo?" She hopped onto Elphaba's lap. "HELP ME ELPHIE!"

"Get _off_ me," Elphaba said as Glinda was rolled onto the ground.

"It doesn't matter what the dress is, I suppose, since it'll be with the right guy!"

"Um…who?" inquired Elphaba, feigning oblivion. (Work that vocabulary…WORK IT.)

Glinda struck a dramatic pose. "The love of my love, the apple of my eyes, the cheese to my Ozaroni: Fiyero Tiggyloo!"

"It's Tiggular."

"Oh. Right…and you can be my maid of horror, Elphie! I promise that you can wear something non-clashing and pretty, but not as pretty as me of course! Won't that be special; the three of us together, with me and Fiyero ecstatic, but not on ecstasy, of course, and you with…your hat!"

"Just shoot me now!" cried a Fiyeraba fan from the background, henceforth pissing off the one disillusioned Glindyero fan, who was most likely on ecstasy. (What did I tell you about the drugs?? STOP IT KIDS!)

"Wow that was subtle," noted the green one.

_Thanks. I try._

_Not._

Meanwhile, the rival pairing factions were_ getting it on._

"Shut up!" the Glindyero fan shouted to the Fiyeraba fan.

"Ex-CUSE me?!" screamed the Fiyeraba fan. "Didn't I knock you out in the last chapter?"

"No. You just shunned me."

"Would you like me to knock you out in THIS chapter?"

"Uhhh….." The Glindyero fan quickly scooted away.

"That's what I THOUGHT."

**_"THIS IS TAKING FOREVER!!"_**

Everyone stared at the green girl in silence.

"I think I'll wear pink flowers in my hair," continued Glinda, as if nothing had happened.

_No one cares._

"Well…nobody's perfect! Except me!" the blonde declared, tousling her hairs.

"Hey, MY line," said Hannah Oztannah, who had joined the crowd earlier on.

All of a sudden, the green doors to the Wizard's chamber opened greenly. Elphaba and Glinda held onto each other for dear life.

"Um. Glinda. Space?"

"Oh. Sorry." Glinda got closer.

They entered the chamber and almost got high off the green smoke. (Hypocrites…). The door slammed behind them and submerged them in darkness.

"Elphie, I'm scared," whispered Glinda.

"Glinda, relax. He's not going to hurt us," her green friend answered.

**_"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU??"_**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Everyone died.

The end.

* * *

**Just kidding…**

Elphaba grabbed Glinda, most likely to protect her. "Don't worry Glin! I'll save you!"

"Whoa," said the Ozians, watching the pseudo-Gelphie moment.

_Get your minds, out of the gutters, people!_

"Never!"

Meanwhile, the giant gold face rocked back and forth, permanently scarring the Ozians for life. "PROVE YOURSELF!" it screamed.

Glinda pushed Elphaba towards the face. "Go on, prove yourself, prove yourself."

"Why don't _you_ prove yourself?" snapped Elphaba.

"Because I'm just a tag-along. I have no real significance at this time!" Glinda declared. "Plus, I'm not green enough. I don't want to offend him."

_Too late._

"I AM OZ, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE! WHY DO YOU SEEK ME!?"

"Aren't you already supposed to know?" questioned an Ozian. The Wizzz zapped him and he was burnt. To a crisp. Like French toast.

Excuse me, _FREEDOM_ toast.

"Ow," he said.

Glinda continued to poke her friend. "Say something!"

Elphaba's usual verbose speech had died a pitiful death. She stood there awkwardly, contemplating on what to say next. "Uh…it's me! Elphaba Thropp, your terribleness!"

The Wizz decided to speak normally from then on. Why? No one cares. "Oh? Is that you, Elphaba? I didn't realize!" A tiny, yet powerfully old man climbed out of the face and struck a strong, edgy pose. "I hope I didn't startle you, it's just that you blended too much with the green…" He shook her hands. "And sorry for keeping you out there for so long, nature called and I answered!"

The sound of erotic emerald crickets filled the room, and then the sound of a toilet flushing, to underscore his point.

The Wizard looked around uncomfortably. "Yeah…so, which witch is which?"

"We're not witches!" piped up Glinda.

"Not yet…" muttered the Wizard.

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing…._so_, the green one is Elphaba, and the blonde one…?"

Glinda daintily shook his hand and curtseyed. "Glinda, your Ozness. The '_Ga_' is silent."

Everyone stood there silently. From the background, an Ozian coughed.

"Can we go now?" he asked, bored. But happily, he was zapped and burnt to a crisp (again).

"Do you like my mask?" asked the Wizard, stroking it in a creepy fashion. "It's one hundred percent sparkle and zero percent substance, but hey, you're got to give the people what they want, right? And plus, it's a special occasion, so I decided, what the hay!"

Elphaba could no longer conceal her excitement. "I'm so happy to meet you!" she squealed. She slapped herself. "Glinda, you're a horrible influence."

"You know it!" the blonde said.

"Can we focus on me, please?" demanded the Wizard. "I will now express my generous, feel-good persona in a creative, yet provocative way! Lights!"

The green lights dimmed, replaced by a spotlight the exact same shade of green.

**_I am a sentimental man_**

"Um, did we _ask_ you to sing?" said the Ozians.

"Excuse me?"

The Ozians cowered in fear. "Sorry! Sorry! We'll be good!"

"Good."

**_Who always longed to be a father_**

"Um…" noted the Ozians, not even waiting 2.4 seconds to break their promise.

**_That's why I do the best I can  
To treat each citizen of Oz as a son -  
Or daughter_**

The authoress twitched painfully at the unsubtle irony.

She then decided to contemplate on the meaning of life while eating chocolate pudding.

**_So Elphaba, I'd like to raise you high  
'Cuz I think everyone deserves  
The chance to flyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy_**

"What about me?" demanded Glinda, hurt.

"You're too blonde," said the Wizard.

"Oh thank you!"

He looked at her incredulously.

"Riiiiiiiight…"

**_And helping you with your ascent al-  
LOWS me to feel so parental_**

"_'Isn't it ironic?'_" sang the Ozians. But they were zapped by the authoress for stupidly pointing out the obvious.

And for doing it in song form.

Even though this is a musical.

"Can I please finish, here??" demanded the Wizard.

_Grrrrr…..fine. But you only get one more line.  
_  
**_For I am a sentimental maaaAAAan…_**

_Nice falsetto._

_Now stop singing._

The green girl put a supportive hand on his shoulder. "I'm sure your hypothetical son and/or daughter would be so proud of you," she said.

"Woooooooooooooooooooooooooow…" wowed the Ozians.

The Wizard dabbed at his tears. "Thank you for your kind words. Now, let's move on with the plot."

_Let's not._

He wonderfully ignored the authoress (yeah, wonderful for _him_ all right) and did a little dance. With his hands.

"wOoOoOw…." mused Glinda. "He is so TALENTED!"

"Enough of the talent…sir, we didn't come here just for us…" started Elphaba.

Glinda's face fell. "We didn't?"

"No," the green one snapped, "We came here for-"

"Oh please," said the Wizard, not kindly, "I'm the great and terrible Wizzz. I already know why you're here."

The two witches-to-be looked at each other in admiration. "Ooooooooo…."

"Now girls, as I said before, you must prove yourself before I can help you in any way."

"But I thought we already…" started Glinda.

"You ain't done nuh-thing yet, hunny," said the Wizard, snapping his fingers in a ghetto fabulous triangle motion. "I'm sorry, but the green isn't just going to cut it."

Glinda stepped forward slowly. "Then what do you suggest…?"

"Glinda! Ew! Stop! We are NOT here for that!"

Glinda blinked, confused. When she finally got the implication (a good 5 minutes later), she screamed, "I was going to offer a makeover, Elphie, a makeover! I am _not_ that girl."

"'I'm not that girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl….!'" a male Ozian from the audience proceeded to sing.

His wife turned to him in disgust. "Jeez, I hope not."

"Excuse me, but does it LOOK like I need a makeover?" the Wizard inquired, smiling into a mirror. It shattered, leaving an abyss of inner turmoil, feelings of desperation and nostalgia of days of happiness and wonder.

Whoa.

"What the hell was that?" asked the Ozians, scratching their heads.

_Now is not the time to question my writing skills._

"Or lack of…"

_WHAT WAS THAT??_

The Ozians scurried behind the broken mirror. "Nothing, nothing…WE LOVE YOU!"

_Good._

"WE AREN'T GETTING ANYWHERE!"

"I know, Elphie, but we just have to smile and look pretty, or else the authoress might get mad and zap us. And I _cannot_ get crispified. I'm wearing my baby doll yellow sundress with pink undertone today! I've got the pretty down, so you just smile."

"Was there an insult in there somewhere?"

"Of course not! It was a right-footed compliment."

"I think you mean left-handed, Glinda."

"But…I'm pink-handed."

**_"CAN WE PLEASE FOCUS ON ME FOR THE LOVE OF OZ WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET THE PLOT MOVING AROUND HERE?!"_**

Everyone stared at Frances with their mouths hanging open.

"What?" said the Ferret.

"I think we need a break," said an Ozian.

But just as they got ready to relax in overstuffed green chairs and masticate on some popcorn, a flash of lightening startled them all.

Were you thinking sick things?

Well…don't.

"GAAAAAH!" screamed everyone.

"GOOD EVENING MY LITTLE CHICKITIES!" came a voice from behind them.

Glinda bounced up. "Madame Morrible, what are you doing here?"

The Wizard glanced at his watched, annoyed. "Where have you been? I placed my order of plot fifteen minutes ago!" His voice cracked like an egg on a Monday morning, even though his underwear said 'Thursday' on it.

"Well SOH-ree…drag takes an extra 34 minutes to put on," Madame Morrible said. "Hello, girlies, as the new Press Secretary to the Wizard, it is my duty to regulate all of his affairs, no matter how disgustifying."

"Press Secretary?" inquired Elphaba.

"34 minutes?" said Glinda.

_Yes, it comes right after 33 and right before 35._

Glinda brightened up. "Oh thank you!" She scribbled it down in her notebook labeled _New Thingies I Learned Today _in pink glittery embroidery.

"You see what I have to deal with?" muttered Elphaba.

"Oh…I'm sure you're both very…charming," retorted Horrible Morrible, looking as if she was about to hank her own hair out. She thrust a book in Elphaba's hands. "Here, read this. It'll answer all your questions about a certain doctor with hooves."

Glinda gasped when she saw it. "Is that…the Grimmerie?"

"No, it's the Muffin Puffin Cook Book," said Morrible, rolling her dragalicious eyes.

The bubbly blonde moved her hand towards it slowly. "Can I…_touch it_?" she whispered.

"_No_," Morrible said sharply. "Only green people can touch it. Elphaba, try reading some."

"Okay," said Elphie, sitting down and starting to skim the pages.

As the green one proceeded to try to understand the spells in the book and the onlookers looked on, the Ozians were starting to get restless.

They sighed. "We're bored."

_Well, what do you want me to do about it?_

"Bring Fiyero over," suggested a hormonally imbalanced Ozian teenager. (It was a boy, just in case you were confused).

"YES!!" screamed the Fiyero fangirls, who surprisingly made up the majority of Fiyeraba fans. "We need him here. Like, now."

_No we don't._

"**_PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE??_**" they squealed, permanently damaging the authoress' eardrums. "He might be an idiot and only good for one purpose, but still. I mean, just _look_ at him."

_I'll be right back._

* * *

**At Dear Old Shizzzzzz….**

"Boq, we've been through this many times before. Why don't you ever listen?"

"Because you're arrogant, Nessa. It's never about what _I_ want in the relationship."

"Last time I checked, _I_ was the one in need here."

"But Nessa…I have feelings, too you know."

"Yes, I am aware of your trivial heart, Boq."

"Well, we'll just ask Fiyero what he thinks." The Munchkin boy turned to the prince, who was currently glancing down at some text in front of him. "Fiyero, what's your opinion? Should we have tuna or chicken for dinner?"

Fiyero quickly glanced up from his copy of _The Little Engine That Could_. "Can you guys just leave me alone? I'm trying to become smart here!"

"Why?" Boq inquired. Nessa hit him over the head with her mullet.

"You're even dumber than he is!" she said, disgusted.

Frustrated, Fiyero slammed the book shut. "I can't do this! It's too hard!"

"That's what she said!" said the waiter as he whisked in and out with their drinks.

Boq scratched his head. "Wait a minute, I thought Fiyero was a guy," he said, receiving another slap from Nessa.

"Boq, scoot over. We're going to make Fiyero astute," said Nessa.

"A-what?"

Nessa rolled her eyes as she opened the book. "This is going to be very easy. Trust me." She quickly scanned over the text. "Scratch that. Fiyero, this material is too difficult for your level. We'll have to dumb it down for you." She pulled out a copy of _How To Read_ from Boq's pocket.

_Pathetic._

"Who, what, when, where, and why?!" Fiyero and Boq clung to each other, scared.

Nessa coughed. "Boq, I'm over HERE!"

"Oh, right." He scooted over to her, not letting go of the scandalicious prince.

_Fiyero, you need to get to the Emerald City._

"What? Why?"

_A certain girl needs you. _

_Not to mention your entire estrogen-charged fan base._

Fiyero leapt up. "She needs me? Why, what happened to El-" He coughed, noticing Boq and Nessa looking at him knowingly. "Uh, I mean…Did Glinda run out of pink nail polish again?"

_No._

_It's not about the polish._

_Now shut up and follow me._

"All right! I will!" He stood up gallantly as a gust of wind _wooshed_ through his hair and an Ozian flag appeared behind him.

"Okay Boq, that's enough."

Boq sheepishly turned off the fan. "Sorry…"

"Bye everyone!" And then he walked off into the sunset.

"NO FIYERO DON'T LEAVE ME WITH HER PLEASE!" shouted Boq, withering in pain.

Nessa smiled creepily. "Oh, Boq. You just need to calm down. _RELAX_."

"PLEASE NESSA! NOT THE HOSE! NOT AGAIN NOT AGAIN!"

* * *

**Ha...Next chappy is Defying Gravity, so yay!**

**Review please! (hinthint)**


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